The Edge

If I had thought that Michael would leave the subject of Christmas alone, I was wrong. He came up to my room within the hour, I had declined to come to dinner and was seated with Nurse Ruth who was teaching me how to knit in a complicated new pattern when the door opened and my husband entered, in his dinner jacket and looking like a man with a great deal to say.

He asked Nurse to leave us for a moment, once the door had shut behind her he started to shout. And shout. He ranted about my lack of feeling, my selfishness, my ignorance of how matters stood and how he did not approve of my giving our property away to the village.

“Those decorations were bought, at great cost, by my mother and those trees are worth a great deal! Too much to be wasted on simple farmers and miners. I hear you have promised food and money as well, all these new plots of yours! I do not chose that my wife give away so much with no come back!” I set down my work, my hands were shaking but I tried hard to retain that calm I had felt earlier.

“Husband I am aware of traditions and of costs. I thought it a good idea to be seen to give kindly to the village, we have not done so until now and it can only make the family look better...” I began but at those words Michael's anger sparked afresh.

“Better? Do you think we look bad, is that your meaning? Is the family seen as base or callous? Do tell me, I am sure my lady wife knows all about village gossip! This family provides work for most of the valley, as you are well aware! There is little need for us to do anything to make them think better of us....” I broke in.

“I do not agree. This morning I met with one of your workers while with the doctor. His leg had been broken while down the mine. He has been unable to work for weeks and therefore unable to get money to feed his family or buy the medicine which would make him better more quickly. His wife with with child, he has several already who are thin as bones and require nourishment...”

“Am I to understand, Madam, that you hold me accountable for an accident and that I should pay a man who cannot work? Or that you have been wandering about with the doctor associating with all and sundry? I gave you leave to join the women's society, not to take the job of a nurse!”

I tried to placate him, he was truly furious now.

“No, I do not, I merly am trying to explain why I wish to help the poor. Those children and many like them grow up starving and uneducated with no choice but to work in the mines or in other work where they in turn cannot feed their family's should an accident occur. I just want to provide them with some choices. The doctor said that it was a good solution, I want to help and I was sure you would think...”

“That I would think what? That you should give away money and possessions and such like to all and sundry? That you should listen to others instead of to me? That you should risk your health and our unborn child's health by consorting with beggars and the sick? No, I tell you, no. I will not have this. I will not have you make me look a miser by donating when in the past, the family has not. This is the last of it madam. I will give no further sums of money or spend anything on this foolishness. The trees have already been delivered but there it ends. You have made your gesture, now kindly forget about involving yourself any more.” He turned to leave as it we had done talking. I spoke up. Quietly but I spoke.

“The women's society. How will it look if I no longer attend? I promised to give my help tomorrow and in the future.....” Michael broke it and cut me off.

“You may fulfil the promises you have made this month but after the new year, you will tell them that your husband wishes you to stay at home and focus on your family. You are becoming noticeably with child, they will understand. I wish you goodnight, wife, think on what I have said. It is I who decide what money is spent in this house, not you. And it is I who decide how you shall spend your time. Never forget that.” And so saying, he walked out. I heard his boots on the stairs as he descended.

I sat silent, angry. Nurse Ruth came back in, seeing my face she tried to console me but I was past that. I told her to go below and get her own supper. I had no appetite and wanted to be alone for a while. She would have argued except that my expression clearly showed that I was in no mood to be told no by anyone else. She went, I heard her call to Anna and their footsteps echoed off down the back stairs.

Alone I let some angry tears slip down. I felt humiliated. I felt sick to my stomach. I was shaking from sheer anger and upset. Bess came to me in the glass of the window, the black night letting her be seen easily and she too tried to give me words of comfort. I was deaf to them.

“Must he take everything from me? He will chain me up like a dog to its kennel, he will let me have no friend he does not chose, no freedom, nothing. I am to run the house, bare him children, do as he says, he does not need a wife, he simply needs a few servants! I should buy him a whore for Christmas, maybe then he would leave me alone!” I was so angry and upset, I could not sit still. I paced up and down the room while Bess watched me.

“I think you were right when you said I should be careful! He will turn out another Richard! But I will not let him, I will not let him win! He shall not chain me up. Never, never!” Bess told me to sit down, I was getting too agitated. I dropped into my seat, tears dropping down my face and making me shudder with sobs. Bess consoled me, I was not to distress myself so. There was ways to keep doing what I wished, if I could only govern myself and be calm. I did as she said, I sat for a while and my sobs subsided. Once I was calm, she spoke.

“There are ways to do as you wish but you must safeguard yourself. Firstly, you have money of your own, do you not? You can spend that how you wish and your husband can have no say in the matter. Second, there are ways of making sure you can do good works in the village without your husband being able to do a thing to stop you, without making himself look bad at the same time. You should speak to those with influence, their disapproval will keep him silent, even if he dislikes what you do.” I saw the sense in this and we fixed the plan for the next day.

Bess told me that no matter what I felt, I must eat, as Nurse Ruth had said. Do not let him punish you and your child by robbing you of your appetite, she counselled. Call down for food and then get a good night's rest. You must be ready for the day ahead.

I did this. I made myself eat and then took some drops to aid my sleep. Whatever Michael did, I was determined to beat him. As I drifted off, I thought again and again that if only his sister would leave, perhaps he and I could begin to remake our lives.

The next day I donned another of my warm gowns, this time in dark blue with black scroll work on the bodice, and was ready for the doctor when he called. Once in the cart I told him that I wanted to ask a favour. Could he bring me home a little later that day? I wished to speak with the priest before I left. Dr Crowner nodded, said nothing. He had seen that both trees were in the town, rather than one in my own house, I believe he knew what had gone on.

We women made up little parcels for each child, fruit, sweets and a toy each. There were rag dolls for the girls and solider for the boys. Mrs McKinley had knitted each child a pair of thick stockings as well, all together an excellent gift for each.

At twelve we carried some of these to the school and gave them out, it was gratifying to see how their eyes lit up and I was more determined than ever that I should not give up my charity work. After this we drove in one of the farmer's large carts down to the mine. The children were assembled in the yard with Michael and several of the foremen. When we disembarked, Michael gave a little speech of welcome, playing the kind Lord of the the manor and we distributed the presents. I brought out a platter of cakes and pies for the children as well, whose eyes lit up and they were encouraged to take as much as they wished. Once done, we sung some carols with them then it was time to take our leave. Michael did not kiss me good bye. He barely looked at me.

In the town square the tree from the house stood proudly, looking very fine. Many passers by thanked me, said how pretty it was, had I really donated it? Yes, I said, and the decorations too. Those might be used in future years.

I met the priest in his house, he sat me down and asked what he might do for me. I asked him if I could be of help to the town chapel. I wanted to do good in the district, would he agree to my helping the poor of the parish? I wanted to start giving out some food and drink to the poorest family's, would he sanction that? The priest was delighted, he would be honoured to do so , and I was to thank my husband for this thought also. He would let me know each week who was in want and anything I could give would be appreciated.

I next went over to the doctor's house. He handed me into his cart then as we drove off, I asked him if I might accompany him on his rounds some days? I wished to assist with the poor and I felt that I also wanted to learn better nursing skills. The doctor was taken aback. Was I certain? It was difficult, sometimes painful work. He did not want me to be exposed to infection. I said that I need only come when the patient was not so unwell. I could deliver aid from the church, food and medicine, at the same time. After some consideration, the doctor agreed. Perhaps two days a week? He would call for me, he could arrange to take those trips to the poorest on the days when I might attend him.

I inwardly smiled, I was getting my way and Michael could not stop me without making himself look bad!

Back in the house I went to see Cook. I told her that I would require her to make up baskets of food from time to time, for my parish work. I would give her the money for this, it was not to be paid for by my husband. She had heard via the servants grape vine, of what Michael had said. She was a little surprised to hear that I intended to go ahead with my plan but she nodded.

I then went back to my room. I felt exhausted. Nurse Ruth brushed out my hair and asked if I could eat but I told her I would wait until dinner time. I would eat in my room, I had already asked Cook to send up a tray for me. I asked her to knit beside me so I would know if I slipped up and I told her of my days work. She was quiet for a while then she smiled. I was playing with fire but it was good to see me active.

It had struck six and we were still working by the light of the lamps when Anna came up with a letter in her hand. I took it and saw Stephen Bruce's handwriting. I went over to the desk while the other two women sat by the fire and chatted. My hands shook a little when I opened the envelope. His words felt like branding irons on my mind.

Imogen

You need say nothing. I am cut to the heart that I can do nothing to stop your pain. If it were possible I would visit you, talk with you. I would try to console you.

As it is, I can do none of those things.

I have much to blame myself for. I have many regrets. In my darkest moments, I wish that I had never met you. Then I would not hurt you as I am about to do.

I am engaged to be married. I have met a woman who is beautiful and sweet, the sister of a great friend of mine who is newly returned from France where she has been at school. She is calm and uncomplicated, I have great affection for her. We are to be married in March, on her eighteenth birthday. I wanted you to hear this from me rather than from the newspapers.

I am sorry for everything. I am sorry for what I have done to you. I hope you can forgive me and be happy for me in time.

Yours

Stephen.

My shock was acute. I must have made some sound, because Nurse and Anna instantly came to me, was I ill? I tried to tell them I was well but suddenly I retched. In seconds, Anna had fetched a basin, Nurse was rubbing my shoulders and I was vomiting. I felt faint and giddy when I raised my head. Anna was sent to run a bath, Nurse was taking my pulse and feeling my forehead. She helped me to cross the room into my bathroom, instructed Anna to help me bathe and said she would turn my bed down.

I remained giddy after the bath, I felt dreadful. I felt cheated and miserable. When Anna had taken me back to my bed, dressed in a clean night gown and been sent down for some light supper for me, Nurse sat beside the bed. She instructed me to lie still, I must not distress myself else I would doubtless fall faint. She then took out my letter. She spoke quietly but firmly.

“This fell to the carpet when you became sick. I could not help noticing the import of it. A sensible woman burns such letters.” So saying, she took a candle and lit the paper on fire, until it was ashes in the air. I tried to speak to her of what she had read but she would not listen.

“I want to know nothing. It is not my business, my lady. The father of that child in your belly is not your husband, I know that much and will keep it to myself. I want no confidences of anything else, I do not want to have any information to give to another person which you would not want talked of. Your child is your child, you have been imprudent and have done what many have done before you. I do not judge you for this, doubtless you have cause. However I counsel you to burn any other letters, lest they be found, I tell you not to respond to this letter nor any other. Now we shall say no more.”

Anna entered with my supper, I managed to eat then was given some drops, I soon fell into a drugged sleep.