The Edge

Michael accepted my request to join them at dinner and I went down to the drawing room. I had spent the hour beforehand talking with Bess and was determined to act the gracious and sweet natured lady of the house. It was essential that I seemed so, and likely that every eye would be watching for weakness on my part.

I entered and Michael nodded approvingly at my dress. My waist was now rounded out by the baby and my breasts had become larger, he clearly liked the way that I looked.

I went straight over to Victoria who was seated on a sofa, sat beside her and asked that she accept a small gift from me, something that had been her mother's. I handed her the ring, which I had placed into a small box of my own. She looked suspicious but she opened the box and gave a little cry of delight. She took out the ring and tried it on, her middle was even more altered than mine was her condition had caused her fingers and ankles to swell. The ring fitted perfectly, thanks to this, as she normally had dainty hands. She turned this way and that, letting the gems catch the light while the two men admired it. She turned to me and kissed my cheek, clearly willing to play the gracious sister in law, thanks to my generosity.

Seeing that we were content to be left alone to talk, our husbands drew farther off and began to talk of the hunting season. Victoria and I looked at each other. She was much improved in looks, the country air had given her colour and her hair shone brightly. She wore a gown in a soft pink shade which complimented her red locks. I noted that her shoes were heeled, with pointed toes, in a matching shade of pink. My sister was a great lover of clothes and of fashion.

I complimented her on her lustrous and healthy looks and on her condition. She smiled, pleased, and said that she was glad I thought so. She herself felt rather heavy thought in good spirits. She was further along than I was, by about a month or so. Apart from some swelling of the hands and feet, she had no sickness or any other malady. Did I like her dress? I said that I did and she, even more pleased, said that she had ordered some more from London, she was of the opinion that it was best to have all one's wardrobe sorted so that if she grew stouter more quickly, she could always look her best.

Thus diverted by talk of clothes, we managed to converse civilly, even animatedly. Victoria was pleased by her new ring, by my attention, by her being allowed to move her family to the hall and probably also by my lack of looks. One glance in the mirror of the great hall had shown me that I did not look my best.

My face had changed in its shape, my chin had become rounded, caused by the weight of my pregnancy. My eyes, from sorrow and from tiredness, had become more pronounced, less brilliant and I had dark circles underneath them. My skin was clear but translucently pale, making me look drawn and white as milk. Even with my large breasts and the bulge of the baby, it was clear that I looked like a woman not in the best of health. Victoria could see this, everyone could see this. It clearly pleased her.

When we rose to go in to dinner, Michael took my arm and led me in, ahead of his sister and brother in law. I was seated at the head of the table in the place that Rhiannon had once sat in. Michael sat opposite me at the other head and Victoria on my left, her husband on my right. the maids brought in the first course, a soup made from roasted shallots.

As I sipped my soup and tried to appear calm and at ease, the men continued their discussion of how the hunting season would progress. Victoria joined in, apparently she enjoyed hunting, but I felt as if all three of them were watching me. I had nothing to add to the conversation but I made the effort to look interested. The soup was warm and welcome, the butler poured us a fine white wine to go with the soup and I drank it down. This, combined with the rich soup, seemed to help, I felt less cold. I kept Bess's shawl about me, like a talisman, and Rhiannon's ring on my finger.

The soup plates were cleared away and the main was brought in, roasted beef with vegetables. Michael carved, the meat was rare and bloody. I asked for a large portion, I had always enjoyed rare meat. After I had been served, I eat systematically through my plateful and the others conversed about what colours the rooms would be decorated in.

I chose to ignore this, I did not want to think of anything which would break through my calm. I took another glass of wine, I focused on the juicy meat and fragrant vegetables on my plate. as a child, I remembered my mother advocating rare meat as a virtue, it had more goodness in, she had always insisted. I had particularly liked the rich blood from rare beef or steak. It had a taste which I could not find an equal to in anything and I remembered eating dinner with my brother's or my tutor, with my mother coming in to see that I was eating well. The blood had run down my chin and she had laughed and called me a carnivore. I lost myself in the memories caught up in the food, I felt myself start to dream and called myself back to order when I became aware of a silence. I looked up, I must have been staring into space for about ten minutes! My plate was empty. I looked brightly at Michael and smiled, forced myself to make conversation about the food, to talk to Victoria on how our conditions raised the appetite. Her husband joined me, he was a man who enjoyed his food and between us, the awkward moment was glossed over.

As the plates were removed, I made myself watch Victoria. I noticed that her eyes were on Michael in a meaningful way, he seemed resolutely looking away from her.

The pudding course was brought in, a sponge pudding with pears and cream. I asked for a large helping, talked of how I had heard that our crop of pears had been excellent, drew Michael into the conversation by mentioning several of his tenants and their farms. I endeavoured to make the table alive with conversation and I succeeded, the men talked much about yields and crops and harvests and how the season was set fair. Victoria was watching me but I concentrated on the conversation and the taste of the delicate pears in the soft vanilla sponge. Cook was a specialist in traditional puddings and on basting meat to make it rich and tender, this pudding was a favourite of mine and I made a mental note to send her my compliments on the food.

As the cheese course was brought in, with biscuits and fruit and the butler poured glasses of port wine, Victoria started a new conversation. I could immediately tell that she meant to rattle my composure. She spoke first of how her son's were looking forward to arriving, they would be with us in the next fortnight. She spoke of the colours she had picked for their rooms and the nursery. I steeled myself. I could not, I would not think of James or of their usurping his rooms and his place. I took a slow sip of my port, I ignored the cheese and took some grapes, sweet and juicy from the hot house.

Victoria changed tack. I was in no way prepared for what she said next. In a voice as sweet as honey, she turned to me and asked me if I had been enjoying my drives with the doctor? She had heard I drove out with him thrice a week! Michael had already stopped eating his cheese to look at me and his brother in law became silent as his wife then complimented me on my energy for walking to the park gates to meet the doctor, so kind to save him the trouble of driving to the door. I finished my glass in a last swallow, I knew that the damage was done. Michael's face had become red and his eyes were sharp and angry.

I forced myself to look as sweet as Victoria, I forced myself to look that poisonous woman in the face and to answer in a tone as even and calm as I could.

"Yes, it was his idea that I get some exercise as often as possible, it is good for the circulation while one is with child. I have been delivering donations of food and medicine on behalf of the priest to the poorer families in the neighbourhood. Dr Crowner was good enough to offer to drive me about to his patients, he is a most kind man." I looked up the table. My brother in law had clearly seen my husbands face and tried to break the tension by complimenting me on my public spirited charity. Victoria looked sweetly at me, sipping her port and her eyes glittered with malice.

Michael surprised us all by suddenly rising. He walked around to me and said, in tones that bled icy calm "I am afraid that you have over exerted yourself my dear. Will you excuse me, I think I should escort Imogen upstairs to her room."

Victoria's voice was smooth as silk, exclaiming that of course he should, she hoped I was quite well. Her husband merely bowed and stayed quiet, contemplating his plate of cheese and biscuits. Michael took my arm and helped me to rise, he escorted me out of the dining room and up the stairs. He was silent until we reached my empty bedchamber, where there was no chance of being heard from downstairs then his anger broke out.

He was so angry that he was like a different man. He had hold of my arm so tightly and he almost threw me backwards onto the bed. I lay on the soft mattress, my fingers tightly furled in my shawl and looked up at him. He was standing over me like a fighter, fists clenched and face contorted with rage. he was shaking with it, his eyes were almost black with anger. His voice when it burst out was harsh with it.

"What in Hell are you playing at? Sneaking about behind my back, making a fool out of me? I forbade you to go about the area giving charity and money to all and sundry, I forbade you!" My voice was trembling as much as I was but I answered him.

"I have simply been taking small gifts of food and medicine to the poor and needy. I spoke with the priest and he has been kind enough to assist me, the doctor has taken me to their homes. I have funded all this myself, I have not taken a single penny from you, I remembered your objection..."

"My objection! My objection was to my wife hobnobbing with vagrants and disease ridden paupers. And you have been fooling me, going behind my back and disobeying me! How dare you do this? How dare you make a fool out of me? Did you tell the priest that I did not want you to act as a charity? Did you make the doctor aware that I had expressly forbade you to act in this way?" I managed to stammer that I had not.

"Well you will embarrass me no longer madam! From now on, I will countenance none of this! I will tell the priest that it is my wish you do not expose the baby to any illness. You will not stir out of this house unless in my company or my sister's. You will not even stir out of your own rooms unless escorted there by me or by Nurse Ruth. You will obey me, my lady, or you will not even be permitted to see your child. I will have it removed from your care and removed from any chance of being mothered by a lying deceptive woman! Now go to bed and do not dare to show your face downstairs until expressly asked for! I will have no notes sent down, no pleas or bargains. Stay up here and mend your ways!"

With that, he strode out and slammed the door behind him. I then heard a noise I was not at all prepared for, the noise of a key in the lock. He had locked me in. He had shut me up.

I sat on my bed, shaking from head to foot. I was locked in my bedroom. I was banned from having any life of my own, I was declared unfit as a mother. The thought of him ripping my baby away from me sickened me to the core, I wrapped my arms around my stomach and rocked backwards and forwards. I could not stop my shaking.

The noise of the key in the lock again alerted me, had Michael relented? No, it was Nurse Ruth, carrying a pile of clean linen. One look at her face told me that she knew too well what had been said. She put down her pile of laundry and came to me, I was shivering as if out in the freezing winter air.

She went into the bathroom, I heard the noise of water being poured. She came back and helped me to undress and then get into the bath. I asked for Anna, she shook her head. Anna had been given notice by master that she would no longer be wanted as maid until I was in better health and was to take a holiday to see her family. She would leave in the morning. Nurse Ruth told me she would be my maid until Anna returned.

She did not have to say what my husband had told her, she simply washed me in silence and then dried me, took me back to my room and dressed me in my night things. She offered to unpin my hair and when I refused she went to the fire and began to heat some spiced wine. I had stopped my shaking, I was gaining control over myself. I took out my pins, undid my braid and let my hair down over my shoulders.

Inside my belly, the baby fluttered. The feeling made me moan aloud with distress at the thought of not being able to hold it, feed it, love it. Nurse came over with the drink and pressed it on me, I was overwrought and required relief. As I drank, she brushed my hair until it was smooth and flowing free.

Once this was done, she told me to go to bed. She had been instructed to give me no conversation that night. I was to sleep. She would bring me breakfast in the morning. If I wanted anything in the night, she would bring it to me, I could ring my hand bell for her.

She went out and she locked the door behind her. I sat at my dressing table. Bess appeared in the mirror, she looked terrified. She clearly knew what had happened, I told her about the scene at dinner.

“That woman will be the death of you! She has been spying on you, clearly! You must secure a friend, you must get a message to the doctor. He will be able to help you, he could rouse the priest or get a letter to your father! Yes, your father, if needed! You cannot be locked up against your will, I will not let it happen to you!” Bess was emotional, just as I was but her face was set and determined. I fetched the key to the room from my drawer. I had to hide it somewhere better. I would hide it inside my desk, which I kept locked.

I was about to speak with her more when I heard a quiet tapping at my door.

I went to it and whispered “Who's there?” A small frightened voice answered.

“It is I, Anna! Oh my lady, my lady, what can I do? Master has given me two weeks holiday, I leave in the morning! I am so scared for you, my lady!” I tried to quiet her. would she do something for me? Yes, she answered, of course, anything. I unlocked the door and pulled her in. She was all astonishment when I showed her the key.

I quieted her again. She must be calm and quiet as a mouse. Would she take a letter to the doctor? Yes, of course. We went, like frightened children, to my desk and I hurriedly wrote a brief note.

Dr Crowner

I am in desperate need of counsel and friendship. It is difficult to explain now but please will you meet me this evening at 8pm, by the old folly in the park. Come alone and on foot. I swear, on the life of my child, I need to speak to you. Do not fail me.,

Imogen.

I sealed the letter and handed it to Anna, who tucked it into the bodice of her dress. She told me she would not let it out of her sight until she put it into the doctor's own hands on the morrow. Impulsively I hugged her tight and then, seizing on an idea, I went to Rhiannon's jewel box. I took out a small pearl ring, dainty and pretty. I handed it to my maid.

“You are risking your place by helping me and you need some reward for your service. I swear that whatever happens, I will see that you are provided for.” Anna threaded the ring onto the chain of the crucifix she wore and squeezed my hands. Then we went to the door, listened and she slipped out. I locked the door behind her and she was gone.

Once alone, I looked for Bess. I told her of Anna and the letter. She nodded but was clearly afraid.

“We must know what is being said! Your husband and sister will doubtless be talking of you. Is there any way we can hear them?” I thought. Yes! There was an anti chamber beside the library which is where they would be talking. If I could get in there.....

I had to try. I got my shawl and slippers, in my night gown I would be quiet as a mouse. I would travel without a candle, I could not risk the light. I unlocked the door and then relocked it behind me. I began my descent into the house, the house where I was now a prisoner.