The Edge

I woke up in my own bed. One of the nurses was sat beside me in a stool. When she saw I was awake she got up and went to the door, calling for someone to fetch the doctor. Then she came back to the bedside and sat down again.

I felt totally desolate. When the doctor had told me that James was dead I had begun to scream. I had picked up his lifeless body and hugged it tight until the doctor and Michael took him from me. When they tried to remove me from James I had fought like a mad animal, screaming and clawing. It had taken four footmen to carry me to my bedchamber. I had begun to cry, wrenching sobs that shook me head to foot and made me chest feel as if it was broken open. After letting me cry for a time Dr Crowner had given me an injection. Sedated into sleep I chased my son through the house but could never catch him.

Dr Crowner came in with Mrs Levin. He asked me gently how I was. My throat hurt from screaming, my hands were swollen about the fingers and my eyes still stung. The ache in my chest was intense. After a brief examination Dr Crowner said that there was no physical injury, it was grief squatting in my heart like a toad. He advised me to eat. I must think of my unborn child. He told Mrs Levin to have me bathed and given some supper. He told me he would visit again in the morning. The nurse would sit with me that night.

Anna was admitted and she went to my dressing room to run my bath. Mrs Levin told the nurse to go and get something to eat, she would assist me. Once that woman was gone, I was helped from my bed. My limbs were heavy and uncoordinated. The housekeeper supported me and took me to the dressing room. With Anna's help she undressed me, helped me into the tub and bathed me. While Anna towelled my hair, she fetched a clean nightdress and helped me into it. Anna's hands shook and she broke down in tears. Mrs Levin told her to go below, she would attend on me.

Once Anna had gone out I was taken to sit before the mirror at my dressing table. My own face was a shock. My eyes were red and swollen from crying. They were dull and lifeless, no glitter or feeling in them. My face was slightly slack from the effects of the sedative. My mouth was swollen and bruised but the most shocking thing was the scratches that covered my face. I had raked it with my nails during my screaming fit.

Mrs Levin talked to me a little as she plaited my hair and led me back into the bedroom. Sitting me beside the fire she tried to get me to eat but so swollen was my throat that I could not swallow. She went to me and held me tight. I could not respond. I was sobbing again, the loss I felt was so heavy I wanted only to die too, to be with James. At last Mrs Levin took me back to my bed. I curled up there like a child, tucked into a ball and cried and cried. Mrs Levin stroked my hair and tried to soothe me. I was past soothing. I wanted my son. I cried myself back into sleep.

Time passed. I was unaware of it. I was forced to eat some broth, take some wine. I slept or cried. I knew nothing of what was going on. Eventually Michael came in. I did not know the time or hour. I asked him. He stood beside the bed, he seemed afraid to touch me or be too near me.

“It is ten in the morning. You have been in bed for five days. I am come to tell you that the funeral for our son and my mother is tomorrow. Dr Crowner will visit you today and I want him to see that you are better. You must get up. You must dress and come downstairs. Lying in bed will not change anything. I have had to deal with everything by myself these past days. My sister and her husband are arrived for the funeral. They will wish to see you. You will behave properly. If you do not, I will have you watched over by the nurse and you will not be allowed at attend the funeral. I will send in Anna and I want you to get up. You hear me? You must get up. I will expect you downstairs for lunch.” And he walked out. Strode away and would not look back even when I called him.

Anna came in and looked at me, she was clearly frightened. I sat up and slipped back onto my pillows right away, I was weak as a kitten. She ran to help me up. I made it into the dressing room. I managed to wash myself. Moving slowly I managed to get into my clothes with Anna's help. A plain black dress with white lace, Anna put on my cross and handed me Rhiannon's ring when I asked for it. At the sight of it I did not begin to cry again. I think my tears were all gone, cried out. I walked unsteadily out of my room and had to be helped down to the ground floor. I managed to walk to the luncheon table. Michael, Victoria and Mr Everleigh were seated there waiting for me. I barely looked at them. I sat down and stared at my plate without seeing it.

I was served food, I ate it mechanically. Conversation went on around me, I did not hear it. When the others rose to leave the table I rose and walked to the morning room. I wanted to attend to my post. I called for Anna to help me. The food had enabled me to regain some strength but I was still weak.

I could not even look at the letters when I got there. The grief was still too near to me. Mrs Levin came in, she asked if I wanted anything. Suddenly I did. I asked her if Rhiannon had been laid out yet. She had been, her body was in the chapel. I asked if I might see her. Mrs Levin nodded, I had been half afraid she would say no. Wrapping my shawl tightly around my shoulders I leant on the housekeeper for support as she assisted me to walk into the chapel.

The candles and the scene were as before but now there were two coffins. The first contained my mother in law. In death her face had lost the tightness of pain, she was pale and was wearing a beautiful white dress. Her wedding dress. Mrs Levin told me it had been a request of her Ladyships, to be buried in her wedding gown. It had still fitted even after so many years.

I could not help but look into the other coffin. James lay asleep in it but his face was white and his eyes were closed. The baby plumpness was there but no breath came from him. He was dressed in his blue velvet. The coffin was so tiny, the interior was made from white velvet and he was laid on a soft pillow trimmed with lace.

I could not help myself. I reached for him, took him up in my arms, stiff as a doll. He was so cold but I pressed him to my breasts, I kissed him again and again, murmuring to him how much I loved him. My precious precious boy. Mrs Levin tried to take him from me but I would not allow it. She ran out, saying she would get my husband.

In the peace behind her I cradled my boy and spoke to Rhiannon's body.

“Oh please take him with you and care for him! Tell him how I love him and will to my dyeing day! I cannot bare to lose him, my boy. Oh God, why have you taken him, my son, my son, my son!” I was on the floor, holding my son's still corpse. The rushing of feet and suddenly hands took James away from me. I choked on my sobs and reached for him but Michael got between me and Mrs Levin. The nurse from my bedside was back along with two of the house men. The men would not look mew in the eye. I was sobbing, pleading with Michael to bring him back, to let me have him back but my arms were pinned by the two men and a sharp pain made me look down. The nurse had given me an injection.

My limbs went limp and my head swam. Michael stood aside and let the nurse order the men to carry me upstairs. Mrs Levin followed with Anna close behind.

In my room I was placed on the bed. The nurse ordered the others out. I tried to call for Anna but my mouth was dry and my tongue would not obey me. Alone with the strange woman I was helpless as a trapped animal inside my own body. She came to the bed, removed my shoes and undressed me, put me into a clean nightgown, pulled the coverlet over me. Did I wish for water? Water was brought and she supported me as I sipped it then put me back on the pillows.

A knock at the door. The nurse answered it, not allowing the visitor to see the room. From the voice in the hall, I recognised Victoria. The nurse refused to let her in, Lady Llewellyn was resting, she would see me that evening if I were well enough. No, she may not come in. His Lordship's orders. Then the nurse shut the door smartly in Victoria's face and came back to me.

“I wont have any one disturb you. Will only make you anxious at present. Not that you are up to talking. More water?” I nodded and she helped me drink.

“A problem with laudanum, it does make the mouth dry. Ah well, it will assist you through today. Try not to fight it so hard. You will be as you are now for the next few hours so its best you lie back and relax. Rest. You have had so little sleep these past weeks, you must lie still and get better.”

The nurse chattered on, quite kindly but in a way that suggested no nonsense. She reminded me of my nanny when I was a little girl. The nurse fetched some knitting and brought it to my bedside. She was knitting a blanket in shades of white and blue. She said I should hold the wool for her and handed me the chubby fat ball of soft wool. She chattered on, telling me she was knitting this for her sister's child, due in March. She asked when my own child was due. I managed to say “June”. She nodded and said it was a good month and I would be glad of getting labour out of the way, before the heat of the summer set in. I held the wool and watched her needles click smartly as she knitted. She was quick and nimble with her fingers and she was making the blanket in a complex pattern that was truly lovely work. As I gazed, I thought of my son. He had a blanket that had been mine, it was plain white but my mother had made it for me and so I gave it to him. I began to cry again, silent sobs that shook me head to foot.

The nurse put down her knitting, fetched a handkerchief and wiped my tears. She was unexpectedly gentle. She soothed me, crooning a song as she helped me up and brought me to the fire, put me into the rocking chair. I managed to tell her about the blanket. She went to the door and called to someone. I heard her murmur to them and then came back. She told me that the blanket, along with James's bedding had been burned. I cried harder at that. She comforted me as she could.

“A blanket is a blanket and just a possession. Possessions do not have the power to bring back your boy. Take my advice my dear. In these cruel times, children do die. Your boy had a wonderful life, he knew he was loved. Now his soul is with God, with the angels, where he can play all day. A child forever. He can look down at you and love you. You can look up. He will never grow old. He will never be sick or in pain. He will remain forever perfect. He will never disappoint you. Love his memory and look after yourself. Place your trust in God, tell him your sadness but do not waste away. You have this little one growing inside you and when you hold that child, you will be content again. Do not waste your life by dyeing of grief.” I endeavoured to stop my tears and she smiled. I stammered out a request, what was her name?

“My name is Nurse Ruth, your Ladyship. My poor lady, you must try to get a hold of yourself. Your husband will come up this evening and he must see that you are calm or you will not be allowed to attend the funeral. It is for your good that I counsel you to behave and be calm. I will stay with you until you are well again and stand your friend but there must be no more screaming fits. Now, take up the wool again. We will continue.”

So saying she took up her work and chatted about other things. She was from the area, she knew all the village. She talked of the weather, how she was sure it would snow in time for Christmas. The house was so beautiful and she had been up to see the doll's house. Truly remarkable. What was the key for, that was left on the work bench? The bedroom opposite? Did I like that room? Ah, the peace of it. Yes, that was wise. She would mention it to my husband, I needed a room of own to sleep in and it was not seemly that his Lordship give up his own room. Besides this room was rather masculine, did I not agree?

On and on she went, I wound the wool and slowly the feeling came back to my limbs and I found my head less full of cotton wool than it had been. Nurse Ruth made toast at the fireside and I asked for honey and lots of butter to spread on it. I was staggered by how hungry I was. I ate three slices of toast, then managed a glass of spiced wine which Ruth insisted would help me regain my strength. The doctor would call soon and she wanted him to see I was eating and drinking better. She read to me until he came.

Dr Crowner asked me gently how I felt, his skilled hands ran over the small bump of my tummy and then he spoke to Nurse Ruth. She reported that other than an upset in the morning I was doing well, calm and talking more. I had indeed eaten and drank with a good appetite. She would give me a draft of the medicine at night to ensure good sleep. I required assistance and careful nursing but she was pleased with my state of mind.

Dr Crowner returned to me and said he would attend the funeral with me, as would Nurse Ruth. I was yet too weak from my ordeal. He would tell my husband I was doing better. Then he left. I sat beside the fire and stared the flames for a while, I could hear voices in the corridor. The doctors, nurse and Michael. Mrs Levin? I was past caring. I leant my head against the chair and shut my eyes.

When Nurse came back she had Anna with her. Would I care for a bath? I did, I wanted the release of comfort it would bring. Flushed from my bath I was put back to bed, given medicine and soon fell asleep, the drug pulling me down into a dream where my son and I played with his toys in the garden. On waking I was happy for a moment until I realised the truth. Then I wept bitter tears into my pillow while Nurse Ruth slept by the fire.

She and Anna helped me to dress. I was handed a big bowl of porridge and I poured honey over this. I managed it all, I was hungry and Nurse Ruth praised me, saying that my unborn child would welcome the nourishment, I had grown too thin. Plumpness was healthy.

Wrapped in my warmest shawl, she and Anna assisted me downstairs then Dr Crowner stepped up and took my other arm. The faces of the others were hostile. Michael would not even look at me. Victoria and her husband looked curiously at me, as if I were an animal at the zoo. We processed into the chapel. The priest was already there.

I don't remember what he said. I only remember crying into my shawl. I remember Nurse Ruth and Dr Crowner's supporting arms. I remember staring at the wooden bow that held my baby son. I remember his sweet face in the morning light of December, the grey sky as we passed out to the family grave yard to see the bodies interred in the crypt.

That was when something broke inside me. I could not bare to see my fresh faced child placed in that dark grim monument of death. He would be frightened and alone, it was no place for a child. He needed sunlight and flowers, a grave where the rain could wash him clean and the sun could help the flowers to grow tall over him. I went to Michael, begged him not to place our boy in the crypt but he pushed me away and told me to be quiet, not make a scene, I was being ridiculous. I tried to make him listen but he turned from me. I saw Dr Crowner take a step in our direction but then Victoria came forward and claimed my attention.

Why did I not want him in the family tomb? He was being given a great honour, to be interred with the Llewellyn family. She did not get any further. I was past reason and I was past listening to her, past decency. I screamed out at her.

“It is no honour to have my son sealed in the dark, his body decaying! It is no honour to watch my boy lie in ruins while I live! You brought this upon us! You and your poisonous family brought the sickness with you and because of your insistence of bringing your children into Lady Rhiannon's chamber, you killed her too! Yes, you killed her. You have never cared for her and you were nothing to her. She hated you! You brought the fever that killed her and killed my son. I wish your sons were dead, instead of him! You killed my child, you killed my mother! You are a cursed woman, you should be locked in the dark instead of them!”

I would have gone on but the doctor reached me and pulled me away with Nurse Ruth, pulled me away and I was given more laundenum. I remember the shocked faces of the others, Michael's fury. I did not repent of my words, I felt them keenly. She was the cause of Rhiannon's death, the cause of James's death. All because she was jealous over a ring. Whilst I muttered to myself in grief and pain, I was carried by the doctor into the house. He took me to the library, lay me on a sofa and had Nurse Ruth bring me wine, to calm me. I was shaking from head to foot. He spoke gently of nothing until I stopped shaking. I saw dimly that Michael had entered with his sister, her husband and Mrs Levin, the lawyer, Lady Rhiannon's nurse and the priest.

The lawyer sat behind the desk and marshalled his papers, the women sat and tried not to stare at me, all except Victoria who glared at me with poison in her eyes. Michael fetched himself and his brother in law a drink. The priest came to me and spoke kindly, he understood my pain. I was to speak with him as much as I pleased in this difficult time, he was praying for me and my family. I could always have him called for.

At last the lawyer was ready. He brought forth the will. I fixed my eyes on my own shoes, on the pattern of the very fine rug beneath them. The others sat up straight.

“This is the last will and testament of Rhiannon Elizabeth Marie Llewellyn, of Carys House. I bequeath the sum of one thousand pounds a year to my faithful nurse, Anne Maine, in reward of her dedicated service. I also bequeath the property known as Upper Dam farm to her which is to belong to her and her family until her death. I wish to give the sum of eight hundred pounds to the Church of Saint David in the township of Llanchallych, to be used to assist the rebuilding of the church roof. I wish to leave the sum of one thousand pounds a year to Mrs Elizabeth Levin for her kind service to my family. I leave the remainder of my money to my son Michael Llewellyn with the exception of the revenue and profits of Cottlebrook farm in Dorset. I leave this revenue, totally approximately five thousand a year, as well as my jewellery collection and the house known as The Smugglers Haven, in Cornwall, to my daughter Imogen Marianne Llewellyn. This is to belong to her and to her alone, for her lifetime and may then be left by her to whomever she thinks fit, regardless of any other factors.”

When the lawyer had finished reading there was a dead silence. I could feel all eyes upon me. The silence was broken by Victoria.

“She cannot be serious! That document cannot be right. My mother was senile and unable to make any such decision. That house, the money, the jewellery, it should be mine not hers. Let me see that document!” I heard her move, make a grab for it but the lawyer spoke out.

“This is a perfectly legal document, my lady. Your mother was of sound mind and signed this in the presence of two witnesses who knew her well. Your mother was very clear about her wishes and I respected them as does the law.” Victoria was still spluttering.

“You can not mean it! What witnesses?” The doctor stepped forward from where he stood beside my sofa.

“I was one of the witnesses. I have attended your mother for several years and she was in perfectly sound mind and quite sure of what she wanted. There is no case for arguing senility here. The will is as it stands.” Victoria was silent at last, but her husband stepped in.

“I do think that the final bequest is a little strange! The jewellery is a collection that is worth a kings ransom. The farm makes a very good profit and the property mentioned is in actuality a family;y home of the Llewellyn's, it did not belong to Lady Rhiannon.” The lawyer cleared his throat impressively.

“In actual point of fact, the Cornish property did belong to your mother, and was hers to bequeath to who she wished. The late Lord Llewellyn made a gift of it to her when they were married and it has been hers since that time. There are ample documents to prove this. If you have any wish to be given any small keepsake from Lady Rhiannon's possessions, I suggest you make your applications to Lady Llewellyn.”

All eyes in the room were back on me. I think Victoria would have rushed to me and slapped me except that Dr Crowner gestured to Nurse Ruth and I was helped to my feet.

“Lady Llewellyn is tired. It has been an exhausting day and she is not in perfect health. As her physician I must insist that she gets total rest for the time being. I will act as intermediary for her in the matter until further notice. Now I think we must take her upstairs, she needs to rest.” As I was helped to the door, Victoria broke in again.

“Surely her husband should decide for her in this as in all matters?” The doctor looked at her levelly.

“Lady Llewellyn is of sound mind. She is capable to making her own decision about her own property. Now I will thank you not to detain us.” So I was swept from the room and up to my own chamber.

To my shock I was not taken to my usual bedroom. I was ushered up to the fourth floor. As we turned into Elizabeth's bedroom I asked aloud what was happening. Nurse Ruth enlightened me.

She had spoken with the housekeeper and had this room prepared. My own clothes now hung in the closet, my belongings from my dressing room had been brought up. I was to sleep here until I was again in health. I had a bathroom next door, my craft room across the hall. It would make it easier for me, stairs were so tiresome especially in my condition.

I was sleeping in Elizabeth's room! Even in all my misery I still felt the utter joy of it. I was free from the worry of sleeping with Michael, free from that claustrophobic bedroom that reminded me of the past months. I was helped from my outdoor clothing, how did I feel? Dr Crowner said my scratches were healing fast, they were simply little marks now. Did I want anything, could I eat? I said I was quite aright, I simply wanted to rest. I thanked him for his help downstairs. He bowed and told Nurse Ruth to let me sleep. I was in need of privacy after the long trial of the morning.

I wrapped myself in my shawl and sat by the fire, which had been lit and the room was warm. I felt calmer. Nurse Ruth said she would fetch some lunch for me, I needed to keep up my strength.

I was left alone. I looked around the beautiful bedroom. I suddenly saw something move. The wardrobe door has slipped open and the full length mirror had appeared. I went over to shut it but the sight in the glass arrested me.

Gone was my pale scratched face and dark garments. A woman with beautiful tumbling dark hair and a petite face wearing a red dress stood there. She did not move when I did, she did not mirror my movements. I was stunned beyond belief.

Elizabeth Llewellyn smiled at me and said clearly “How long you have been. I have been waiting for you.”