The Edge

The next day I was answering yet more letters of condolence when I was interrupted by Rhiannon's nurse. She looked worried and tired and asked if I would please to call the doctor, her mistress was unwell. After sending someone for him, I went up to her room.

Rhiannon was in her bed still, unable to get up. Around four that morning she had awakened and complained of a pain in her chest and a sore throat. Too tired to open her eyes, she complained of feeling cold yet when we touched her she was burning hot.

Doctor Crowner arrived swiftly and examined her. He instantly discovered a rash on her body, under the arms and on her chest. He recognised right away the dreaded symptoms of scarlet fever. He gave her a sleeping draft and handed some medicines to the nurse. He ordered clean bedclothes be put on the bed, that Rhiannon be bathed and put into clean clothes. All the laundry must be boiled. Was anyone else in the house ill?

I applied to Mrs Levin, she said that she had not been told of any illness but would enquire of the staff directly. The doctor and I supervised the changing of the bedding.

At that point the worst news came. Mrs Levin re entered with fear in her face. The nursery maid and James's nanny were both unwell. They had been unable to ring for help as both were so weakened. I ran to my son's room. He was in his crib, crying. I caught him up, felt his forehead. He was hot! The doctor had arrived on my heels, he took my son and examined him. He ordered me to bathe him in a bath with aloes and mint in the water to cool him. He would send for more medicines. The nurse and nursery maid were confined to their beds, they were even weaker than Rhiannon.

The house was in uproar. We had sterile sheets places over the doors and windows, Dr Crowner insisted on fresh air being let in. Now we burned the linens, boil washed all else and the kitchens brewed hot broth for the sick ones. Mercifully no one else was showing symptoms. Michael was sent for and arrived home. The doctor spoke with him, I refused to leave my son. James was sobbing fretfully, his little body too hot. I sponged him down, applied cooling lotion and rocked him. He too had the rash, his was all over his tongue and his back and throat. He kept asking to drink but was violently sick when he did drink. The doctor sent for two relief nurses. The sick ones must be kept away from the rest of the house.

Michael ordered that the other staff be checked for symptoms but mercifully there were no others. I too was checked but the doctor saw no signs of it. When I told him I was with child however he instantly ordered me to keep away from the sick rooms. I fought passionately with him, I had already been exposed to the illness. I had also had it as a child. At this news the doctor relented. I may stay with my son but he wanted me to ensure that I was vigilant.

He was determined to find the source of the illness. He thought that it must have been brought into the house by someone. Instantly I thought of Victoria and her family. I asked if one of them could have brought it. Possibly was the answer. Michael wrote to his sister and asked if any one of the Everleighs were ill.

Meanwhile the news was bleak. The fevers raged, James was exhausted by crying and heat, he fell into a sleep eventually. I cradled him and prayed fervently that he might be spared. I had developed scarlet fever as a young child, I had survived. I asked for regular reports of Rhiannon. She was doing poorly, in her weak state of health she was unable to fight the illness. I sent her messages but could not bare to leave my little boy. Michael had not have the fever and had to stay away. He sent me notes of love and tenderness but I spared them no thoughts. All my heart was with my son.

The night passed badly. In the early hours of the morning the maid passed away. Her body was removed quickly. James's nanny requested of me to send her home to her family. After consulting with the doctor, we arranged it and she left in the morning. Rhiannon waxed and waned, James was the same. I slept at his bedside, troubled dreams. That night was the same as the last but the doctor saw reason to have hope, the first three days were the most dangerous. He thought James at least was becoming cooler. His fever had dropped. He was able to drink.

In the morning of the third day a letter arrived from Norfolk. The Everleigh's sons were both sick with Scarlet fever. Their doctor thought it might have been carried by a toy they had brought on their journey to Wales. This had been purchased in a town where there was an outbreak of the disease. However the boys were both recovering, it seemed as if the illness were abating. This too gave me reason to hope only to be knocked down by the news that Dr Crowner thought that Rhiannon was developing pneumonia.

With James being watched by one of the nurses I went to see Rhiannon. In three days she had shrunk from her former self into a shadow. The only colour on her was from the rash that covered her body. She was coughing too much, unable to take nourishment. She was exhausted and seemed not to know anyone around her. I was unable to help and so I went back to my son.

At around ten that night I was sent a message, Rhiannon was awake and asking for me. I went right away. James was asleep still.

In her lovely room, Rhiannon lay like a doll in her bed. She was still coughing but more weakly. She was more aware of her surroundings and able to speak with me, keeping her voice low. She asked after my son. I was able to tell her he lived and would perhaps recover. She smiled a little but a fit of coughing took her from a moment. Once it ceased she was tired again. She asked if I would indulge her. She wanted to talk of something that she had never revealed to anyone, not even her husband. I nodded. She began.

“When I was first married I was curious about everything in this house. I took the butlers keys and walked all over, looking into every room. At the top of the house is a beautiful exotic bedroom that belonged to Elizabeth, my husband's grandmother. I loved that room very much and I decided I wanted to know more about Elizabeth. I am afraid that I snooped a little. I found out something I should not have found out. In the bottom of the wardrobe was a false floor. Inside this were a stack of journals. These began at the beginning of her marriage and ended soon before her death. Some had been written while she was confined in an asylum. I read them all. I read all about her. They gave me information about the family which I should not have known. I did not confess what I had done, so I shut these books up in a trunk in the attic. I kept the key with me. It is in the drawer beside my bed. I was unable to allow anyone else to find them. I am afraid that now I am dyeing at last and I want you to take the key. Take it and do what you will. Fetch it now.” I did so, she bad me put it in my pocket. She went on.

“I want you to do something for me. I want you to have my husband's lawyer come and see me. I have been sadly remiss about my business. Will you do this? He must come at once.”

I said I would. She lay back, she was too tired to carry on. I left her and sent for the lawyer, went back to James. He was yet asleep. I went to my own room, bathed and changed my dress, sent this for boil washing. Slept part of the night then woke at 6. Michael stayed home doing business downstairs. James was awake but floppy, unable to hold up his head and his temperature had risen again. Dr Crowner was called for. He could think of no new course to take but asked for James to be given strengthening medicine. Likely the tiredness was from fighting the disease and meant he might recover.

The lawyer arrived and I escorted him up to Rhiannon's room. The doctor and her nurse were also present. I stayed outside until they came out half an hour later. Rhiannon had gone back to sleep. The lawyer left. Dr Crowner said he feared that her Ladyship would not last long. At this time I began to wonder if I were really awake. Hallways swam, objects moved and people, sounds and voices, became further away from me.

In the early hours of the morning I was called away from James to see Rhiannon. She was weak as a kitten but she smiled like she always had. She bad me come close to her bedside. She wanted me near her.

“I want you here with me. Bend your face close to mine, you seem so far off. Ah, yes, now I see you. All grows faint to me now. Let Michael sleep. How quiet it is! Not a soul moves in the house. Did I ever tell you about my childhood? No? Let me tell you now then. I grew up in the west country. I loved to ride. I preferred to ride than anything else. Nothing is more freeing. You gallop for miles with the wind in your hair and horizon calling to you. When I was fourteen I went to a country fair with my brothers. I adored watching the animals that were there, a bear and an elephant, tigers and horses of course. There was a girl of my age who rode them dressed in a white frock, standing up on the horses back. I ran away from my brothers after the show, I wanted to be like that girl. I hid in one of the wagons and fell asleep. When I woke up I was being shaken awake by a gypsy boy. He was a little older than me and he laughed at me for trying to stow away. He took me back to my father's house. For as long as the fair stayed in the district I would ride to meet him. I fell in love, in my childish way. He gave me a ring made from plaited grasses, asked me to be his wife. We made love in a field with the tall grass hiding us. I thought that the next day he would speak with my father. Instead he moved on with the fair the next day. I cried over it as girls will but I never spoke of it. I got married and became respectable in my own thoughts. But I always used to look for that boy at the fairs when they came by. I never found him. So handsome with his dark hair and eyes. Those days were so full of freedom. I think moments of freedom are all a woman can hope for, don't you agree?” Her voice faltered and she coughed again, harder now. I went to get her water but she pushed the glass away and took my hand again.

“Promise me something Imogen. Promise me that whatever happens, you will not waste your life. Elizabeth wasted hers because she let others take control. I wasted mine by chasing the freedom I felt as a girl and never recaptured. Victoria is trapped by her own nature. But you might do better. You might be the first to be truly free. There is something about you that is different. It gives me hope.” She coughed again. Her nurse came up and said softly that I should go but Rhiannon interposed.

“Listen to me Imogen. Freedom is not living as men do. Freedom is being who you truly are, as God made you. Never be ashamed of that. Convention makes slaves of us all. How dark it grows. Is the night drawing in at last?”

I looked towards the window, the morning sun was streaming in. Turning my head back I saw that Rhiannon's eye had grown glazed. Her sight was also failing. Dr Crowner spoke with her quietly for a moment then to me.

“This is the end. I would call your husband, he should be able to say good bye to her.”

I had Michael fetched. He came to his mother's bedside and kissed her goodbye. He had no words for her but she gave him her blessing, told him to be true to himself and to remember how much she loved him. Then he went away. I followed him but he asked me to let him spend time alone. I went back to the bed. I sat with Rhiannon all the day. She was blind but still she talked. She talked of her love for riding. She talked of her love for the seasons and for birds. I should learn more about birds. She talked about the past, about her husband and her children. She talked of everything she wished she could have done. In the afternoon she rested, dozing. I went to see James. He was able to take some broth and I bathed him, rocked him back to sleep and returned to my mother in law.

In such a short time she had become my dearest friend. I wished I could have made this progress before. When she woke I told her so and she smiled again.

“Do not regret my sweet. I have lived a full life. Time is not what matters, it is quality that matters. Ah me, how comfortable I am now. The dark is soothing. I am happy to have you near me. “ I took her hand and kissed it. She was too weak to respond but she smiled.

“God bless and keep my Imogen until I meet her again.” Then her eyes focused on the ceiling although they saw nothing. For a moment they glittered still and then became dark.

The nurse leant over her from the other side of the bed and checked her pulse. She shook her head and closed Rhiannon Llewellyn's eyes forever.

I went slowly back to my son's bedroom. I was walking in a daze. He was asleep but I picked him up and rocked him in my arms. Silent tears ran down my face. I told myself again and again that she was at peace. That she was with God and her husband, free from her broken body, free from pain. It was no use. Still I cried as I rocked my small son in my arms, as he nuzzled my neck and murmured in his fever driven sleep. At last, worn out by grief, exhaustion and worry, I too drifted to sleep.

I was woken by the doctor taking James from me. Michael was also in the doorway, his face seemed blurred to me. Mrs Levin was beside him. The doctor was putting James into his crib, a blanket over him. I started to ask him to put James's owl toy in the crib for him but was stopped by the look he gave me. Mrs Levin was crying. Michael looked aghast. The doctor was speaking to me but the words seemed to come from miles away and I couldn't understand. Dr Crowner's face came close, he had hold of my shoulder and spoke clearly. This was when I finally heard him.

“Lady Llewellyn, how long has your son been dead?”