The Edge

I didn't fall asleep again in my marital bed. That first night set the pattern as I found myself unable to drop off and endured hour after hour of listening to the quiet night noises of the house and the clocks striking the quarter hour, the half, the three quarter and then the hour. I tried warm milk before bed, I tried brandy. I tried getting up and reading. I tried lying flat and sitting with more pillows. It did no good. I could not sleep.

The lack of sleep was what started my midnight prowls around the house. Once I was sure of not dropping off, I rose and put on a shawl over my nightdress. Then I would wander the house, for exorcize. The weather had grown much colder and windier, making it advantageous not to venture out unless I had to. I would wander the downstairs, sit in the library where the men spent their evenings and I had grown to sampling the various bottles there. I especially loved one of the decanted whiskeys, so I used to take a glass from my dressing room then take a dram in the library before going back upstairs with a drink for later. I would place the drink in my dressing room then go and skip around the dining room!

There was a delicious and hysterical pleasure in this activity, as if I were a naughty child again, out of bed and playing games. I would run and jump unhindered in my light night gown. I felt myself utterly free for those empty hours of the night.

I often went back to the craft room after this, I would often just stare up at the portrait while I sewed upholstery for the furnitures or wove miniature rugs. Finally, around half four I would go back to my bed, after drinking the whiskey to relax me and let me doze until Michael went out.

I didn't take breakfast any more, I had no appetite. I asked Anna to bring it to me in my room at ten. From six until ten I would lie in a light sleep in the empty bed then chat to Anna until she went to draw my bath. Then I would thrown the toast into the fire and the porridge out of the window! It was a mightily good thing for me that my window was easy to open and that below was a wide row of bushes and shrubs which hid the daily offerings. I often looked out and saw birds down there so decided I was doing no harm.

I so seldom took lunch anyway that no one ever thought of offering it any more. After I had my bath I did my household duties then went up to the craft room where Stephen and I had got into a pattern of working, talking and then making love in our secret bedroom. After this I would go to my son and play a game with him before taking him for tea with Lady Rhiannon. I blamed my flush on James! I drank hot tea which was restorative as I was usually worn out by this hour. I would try to take a sandwich or two but little else. My appetite had truly left me.

At dinner I found myself drinking more wine, usually I allowed myself one glass only but now it was two or three. I picked at my food, eating a chicken breast, a potato, some vegetables. I rarely touched puddings, once my favourite part of a meal. I would take a little fruit but nothing more. Wine lifted my fatigue and listlisness. I excused myself earlier and played the piano until the men came in. Sometimes I managed a book but more often than not, my eyes closed over the page. Despite my exhaustion, I could not sleep and the dark circles beneath my eyes were testament to my intense fatigue. I was losing weight and Anna had to take in all my gowns. The red dress that I had ordered from London had been delivered and I thought it perfect. I had not worn it yet but it fitted well despite my loss of flesh.

After nearly a month of this Stephen finally commented on my new habits. I had told him a little of what I was doing, only saying that I could not sleep as I valued the privacy that I had at night. Much as I loved him, I needed that time for myself.

He commented on it when we had finished making love. We were laid close together on the bed, our skin flushed and rosy, when he asked me if I thought I should see a doctor. I asked why and for answer he ran a hand over my newly flat stomach. The hip bones protruded and the shape of my ribs was again visible.

“It isn't just that. I know you have rejoiced in the lost weight but you look so different. You seem gaunt and pale. I know you are drinking more wine at dinner just to lift your fatigue. You are not eating, you barely sleep. The shadows under your eyes are pronounced. Perhaps you should speak with your physician, he may have a tonic you could take to relax you so you might rest.”

He spoke with such worry in his voice that I softened. I agreed to ask Dr Crowner to call. I got into my clothes. As I dressed he suddenly asked me how Michael was. I knew what he meant. I had been servicing my husband with my hands mainly. He was so tired from the long hours that it sufficed and I did not want to have him inside me. It was a struggle but he seemed to have stopped expecting that we make love. Stephen was quiet again for a while then, once we were both dressed and I was ready to go downstairs, he took me in his arms and said seriously “be careful, my love. He will not wait forever.”

On my way downstairs I thought of what he had said. I knew I was being a bad wife. Michael and I had never regained our comfortable routine. My ruminations were interrupted by hearing shouting coming from the library. I ran there and found one of the footmen outside. I asked him what was going on. The man looked uncomfortable but explained.

“One of the house men is accused of stealing whiskey, my lady. Lord Robert has been measuring the bottle each day for a week now and at least two glasses are gone each day. Only Edward has the chance to do that as he is the one who cleans the library after the master has gone to bed.”

I entered the library right away. I could not allow this man to be sacked! Lord Robert was at his big desk, with Michael beside him. Mrs Levin and Jones were also there, with the hapless servant Edward trembling in between them, twisting his hands, saying over and over that he swore to God he had never stolen anything. Lord Robert raised his eyebrows at my entrance. I stepped up close to him and asked that he give the servants leave to go, I knew the real culprit and could explain privately. Looking somewhat shocked, Lord Robert did as I asked, telling Edward that he should go to his quarters and wait to be called again. He gave no apology but said that new evidence had come to light and that he would get to the bottom of the matter without an audience.

Mrs Levin looked at me strangely as the staff left but I tried to remain resolute. Hard to do when I could only feel dizziness and utter exhaustion pressing on me.

The men turned to me. I decided it was best to say what I had to say right away and fast.

“I am afraid that the culprit is myself, Lord Robert. I have been having severe trouble sleeping and have taken to getting myself a night cap to aid my sleep. I should have said something but had no idea that any quantity would be missed. I will of course desist if you wish it. I mean to speak with Dr Crowner tomorrow and he may have a sleeping draft to help me instead. I am deeply grieved that I have caused any trouble.”

Lord Robert was quiet a moment then said that he rather thought I might have asked for anything I wanted rather than taking it without leave. I got his meaning fully. He followed this statement up with a simple question, was I in good health? I tried to answer cheerfully but Michael's gaze bored in to me. Lord Robert dismissed the matter with a wave of his hand, I was free to have a night cap if I wished, a bottle would be placed in my dressing room. Michael took my arm and said that he would assist me to my room, I looked as if I needed to rest. Once there, with a face like thunder, he sat beside me on the bed and stonily asked why I could not sleep. I had no explanation and he stood up rapidly. He would see me at dinner. He clearly thought that the idea of a woman drinking, especially his wife, was deplorable. I went back to the craft room, I was in no mood either to rest or see anyone.

Stephen was there though. He quickly covered something over with his hand but I saw this and he settled for just standing in front of it, a small smile on his face. He beckoned me closer then with a flourish showed me his surprise.

They were dolls! He had crafted six dolls for me! One of Lord Robert and one of his wife. These were beautifully done, the features perfectly painted. Lord Robert was in his usual suit, Lady Rhiannon in a white bed robe. My husband was also there and there was a doll to show my son as well. The last two were him and me. He was dressed in white shirt, dark trousers and formal coat. I was in my red gown. All six were perfect.

I turned to him with tears in my eyes and kissed him. They were so beautiful. So perfect. Utterly perfect. Stephen held me close. He was tender but there was an undercurrent of something I could not place. I asked if anything were wrong and he sighed. Then he took a letter from the table and handed it to me. I read it without comprehension. He lifted my face and looked right into my eyes.

“Imogen, the doll's house is almost complete. I have made all of the furniture and apart from small sundries there is little left to do. I am required for other jobs back in town. I am required by my business. I will have to leave within the next week. I can come to visit perhaps but.....” He didn't need to say more. I knew that our time was almost over. I felt sick with misery. I suppose I was not fit to bare the shock and I sank to the floor. I was rocked by sobs, tears that I could not help. I had known that this day would come but I don't think I was truly prepared for it. Stephen tried to help me but it was no use. I simply clung to him, wretched and inconsolable.

After a time I made an effort to stifle my sobs. I managed to get a hold of myself but I was sadly weak from crying. I felt dreadful. Weak and pathetic. I knew, without asking, that if would be impossible for us to see each other for some time. I cursed my stupidity. I cursed my weak womanly heart for letting me be so stupid. I managed to walk downstairs. I went to my bedroom where Anna was sat, tidying my dresses. She went white at the sight of me and I bad her have someone go for the doctor, I was feeling extremely unwell.

She rang the bell for one of the house men and gave him the message. She ordered hot tea and tried to make me lie down but I refused. I would rather walk about. She opened the windows a little to let in fresh air, had me sit so I would be both warm yet with a breeze on my face.

Dr Crowner arrived promptly, came up and took me in with one of his piercing looks. The doctor was a younger man, only in his thirty's, not married and dedicated to his work. He was not a Welshman either but from Dorset. Educated and comely, he excited much attention on the village but he privately had told my husband that he preferred to concentrate on his work. He often gave him services for free to very poor family's and was well liked for his charitable nature.

With Anna attendant as chaperone, he had me strip to my petticoat. He made no comment, simply asked about my eating and sleeping habits of late, did I suffer from nausea or dizziness often, had I noticed any headaches or particular patterns of anything wrong? He took my pulse, measured my newly shrinking body, observed my eyes and the pupils therein. He was thorough and systematic and when he told me to get dressed, he wrote busily in his little book.

Once fully clothed I sat down and asked him his opinion. He wet his lips and asked if I had suffered any further bleeding from my womanly parts. When I said I had not, he consulted his calender then his notes. He lifted his head and smiled at me.

“I think it very likely then that this is simply caused by the late miscarriage. Hormonal imbalance causes the trouble sleeping and the lack of sleep causes the other symptoms. It is therefore vital that we strengthen you and help you to rest better.” He smiled broadly and consulted his notes again then took out his little prescription pad.

“Due to your having been weakened by sleeplessness I think you should start taking this fortifying tonic I will prescribe for you. It will strengthen you. I will also give you some drops to take at night time which will allow you to sleep. And I want you to rest! Much rest, perhaps sleep until eight then get up and be active, sleep after lunch then you will be fresh for the evening. Fresh air too. I would like you to take walks. Fresh air will benefit you greatly.”

He wrote busily, quickly, then handed me the completed prescription so I could see it. Then he took it back, saying he would have the supply's sent up that day.

“Now, to some more practical matters, I am concerned about the amount of weight you have lost. You must be strong and you cannot be strong that if you don't eat. I want you to begin eating properly, any food you crave and any you want should be given you. If all you can manage in a day is tea and buttered toast then so be it.”

He turned to Anna.

“Have then be especially careful in their preparation of your mistresses meals. No under cooking of a dish. Lots of good wholesome meat and vegetables. Fish too. Whatever she wants, day or night, be ready to fetch it for her.”

Turning back to me, he told me I could get up if I felt well enough but on no account should I think of taking any walks alone for today and he departed.

I went back upstairs. Stephen was nowhere to be seen. I went to the window but could not see him in the park. I went below and got my cloak and bonnet. I left by the garden door, latently disobeying Dr Crowner's orders. I paced the gardens and through the various levels until I spotted Stephen standing in one of my favourite spots. It was a rockery, covered with shrubs and in summer, these bloomed and sent the sweet scents of heather and lilac and gorse rose into the air. It was around the large pond and weeping willows grew all about so that it was hidden from view. Even in the chill air of early December, with snow threatening daily, it was a lovely place. Stephen was staring at the water. As I came up close I realised he too had been crying! I had never seen a man cry, but his eyes were red and his cheeks still damp with the evidence. I gently touched his shoulder and he reached for me. Closeted in by the trees and the distance from the house, we could neither be seen nor heard. He spoke first.

“I regret this. I regret hurting us both. I should have never stayed once I realised my feelings for you. You are married and can never be mine. I have hurt you in so many ways. You are pale and thin, you cannot sleep, you cannot love your husband. I have damaged you so much.”

I put a finger to his lips. I did not want this. I calmly told him that I had chosen to be his. If I was caused pain by my actions then so be it. He was not responsible. I was sorry for distressing him so greatly that day. He clasped me tightly then and kissed me with such force that I thought my mouth would burst. He pushed me up against one of the weeping willows, my hair snagging on the bark. Held together, this moment would have been perfect, except that I was too aware of the cold.

He felt me shiver and backed away, taking my arm to lead me back to the house. Would I do him an honour and allow him to take tea with me and James today? He knew that Lady Rhiannon was too tired for company today and he wanted to spend time with me while we still could. I nodded.

James was overjoyed to have so much attention. He was busy with his stuffed animals and happy to be fed titbits then go back to his games as Stephen and I played our parts by moving the animals, making them do voices so he burst into excited laughter. He applied for horse back rides from Stephen and then wanted story's read, songs sung and generally revelled in being the centre of attention. My little boy was merry and happy for two hours before he started to grow tired. We handed him back to his nurse and as we went out into the corridor, I heard the front doors open, the other men were back.

The evening went better than I had thought it would. Stephen announced that he would soon be leaving, that the doll's house was near completion. Lord Llewellyn was complimentary on the work we had done so far on the doll's house. Michael was also in good spirits, partly because I had told him of the doctors visit and he was gratified to see me making an effort to eat more at dinner. Indeed, the food tasted better to me than it had done in some time. I even managed a second helping of mincemeat tart which drew a pleased smile from my husband.

After dinner he was attentive and kind to me, asking me especially to play some Christmas melody's that he particularly liked. Stephen finally beat Lord Llewellyn at chess, then all four of us settled down to play cards. I excused myself at my usual time and had a lengthy bath, washed my hair and sat before the fire, brushing it dry.

I put on a simple nightgown, I plaited my hair as I always did. When Michael came in, I was settled in the window seat, looking out at the cold dark that enveloped the house. A mist had arisen and made it impossible to see further than a few feet, even had there been light enough. My husband did not go into his dressing room as he usually did. Instead he came and sat beside me, asking if I had leisure for some talk with him. I agreed, his face was unusually grave and preoccupied. He took my hand and patted it as if it were a dog.

“Imogen, I have seen over the past few weeks such a change in you. To hear that you have been taking more to drink that is seemly, that you cannot sleep, that your appetite has gone, this worries me. Observing you tonight, I see more colour and plumpness in your cheeks, you seem more in spirits than you have of late. I would not usually ask such a question as it is for you to to tell me rather than me to ask. However tonight I believe that the time has come to tell you. I know your secret, wife.”

I started violently. I searched his face for a clue as to what he meant. It could not be that he had found out about my affair. He would surly not speak with such affection or concern if that were the case. He patted my hand again, put it to his lips and kissed it.

“I have been observing you closely. I must ask or be driven mad with waiting. I believe you are with child again. Is that it? Is this the reason for your bizarre behaviour, your lack of appetite and craving for spirits? Are you again expecting?”

His eyes were staring intently into mine, he was clasping my hand so tightly. I knew not what to say. To deny this would make him question me more. I felt as though I must give an answer that would protect Michael and my last days together. I made myself smile, and told my husband that yes, I was in the earliest days of pregnancy. He positively beamed at me, kissing my forehead and embracing me. His sudden joy was infectious. He clasped me close.

“I knew it! I knew that it had to be true. You have been so careful not to lie with me that I knew something was wrong. You were simply being a good mother, a good wife, protecting my child. Oh my sweet wife, this brings me such joy! And today when the doctor came, he has told you that he also thinks you are with child, is that right? This is the reason for your heightened colour and your better appetite. You have been worried and this news has eliminated that worry. You need not worry, I will not force myself on you, I will be tender and kind. My sweetest girl.”

He kissed me again and his eyes were bright with meaning.

“Let this be a new start for us. A new beginning of openness and honesty and trust. There has been a barrier between us of late and now we must tear it down. Get you to bed, my wife, dream sweet dreams. Rest my love, rest you well.”

So saying he kissed me and went into his dressing room. I got into bed, my heart pounding and my mind racing. Sleep! That would be impossible now. What in God's name had I done? My hands went to my flat belly. Could there be any truth in my lie? It was possible. I had not bled for near two months. My appetite had changed. I had never before liked spirits, even the smell had been offensive to me. I could not sleep. That I had put down to not wanting to be so near my husband but what if it were true? What if I were with child, the earliest stages but with child none the less. Michael came to bed and kissed me, settled down to sleep. I lay on my side, my mind feverishly counting dates.

The last time I had lain with Michael had been nearly nine weeks previously. I had been making love with Stephen almost daily. I could not be sure, I knew I could not be sure but the sudden realisation that my lie might not be a lie and that I might have succeeded in my crazy plan to carry Stephen's child, it swept through me like hot summer rain in a drought. I felt warm for the first time in weeks. I felt flushed with happiness. For the first time in so long, I fell asleep in my own bed.

When I woke up, it was already nine in the morning. I had slept for a full ten hours and I felt restored. I dressed with care, in a pretty light green gown, I ate my breakfast for the first time in weeks, spooned honey on my porridge and then went downstairs to see Mrs Levin. In the hall I met Lord Robert. I was genuinely shocked to see him, he was always gone by now. He bowed good morning and said that he had business to be doing at home today. Yes, Michael was at the mine as usual. Then that gruff old man leant forward and smiled to me, took my hand and shook it and said that his son had told him all. He was very pleased that my troubles seemed to be over. I must have shown surprise on my face because Lord Robert hastened to defend Michael.

“He was so happy, a man cannot always hide his feelings. He shared the news at breakfast with only myself and Mr Bruce. It may be early days but there should be no reason for thinking that anything will go wrong again.” So saying he disappeared into the library.

I felt suddenly cold to the marrow. Stephen had been told! I must go to him and explain. I ran up the stairs to the craft room. Stephen was standing beside the doll's house, looking over it. When I entered he didn't turn around. I went to him, tried to turn him but he was immovable. I wanted him to look at me, to see my face so I could tell him the good news. At last he turned but his face was like marble, unmoving and cold.

“Congratulations on your happy news. I would wish that you had told me first so that I could have known and not felt such pangs to leave you when clearly you had better prospects than I thought.”

I tried to speak but he suddenly slapped me across the cheek. It was sharp as a knife, the pain. I tried to rally, to speak but he stopped me by speak again, louder and more angrily that before.

“I should have known. You might lie with me in the day but at night you have your husband. I had thought you a good pure woman, with true love for me but I see that you do as you please, whatever gets you what you want, even if it means you are a whore!”

At that, I regained my passion. I launched myself at him and struck him full in the face. He grabbed my arms and we struggled. I hissed at him that he was the fool.

“Whose child do you think I carry? Who have I been making love to for weeks while my own husband has nothing? Who is the one who I have cried my soul out to, whist keeping others in the dark?”

He seemed to grasp my point suddenly and a wild look came into his face. I went on, recklessly.

“It is your child that I carry! I believe it to be yours. If indeed I am with child then it is certainly yours. I have not let Michael have me in two months! I feel sick at the thought because of my love for you!”

He cut me off again, this time with his lips. He kissed me passionately, forcefully, wildly. He gripped me to him then we broke apart panting.

It was only at that moment we realised we were not alone. Lord Robert was standing in the doorway. He had heard every word. He stared at me with a face so torrid and furious. The veins in this forehead bulged with it and his cheeks flamed red.

“I came to see what progress had been made on my grandmother's doll's house. I find that I have been sheltering a low born rake and a whore.” His voice was deep and low and the utter fury that it carried was memorising.

“You will be gone from this house sir, this moment! And you, madam, you will be shown no mercy either. My son will know of this and your family. You are a worthless whore and will not disgrace this family! We will find a place for you and you can rot there for the rest of your life! Don't even think of seeing your son again. He will do better to know his mother is dead than what you have done!”

He turned and went out, heading for the stairs. Stephen rushed after him, I stayed rooted to the spot. I couldn't move. I heard the men struggling then a thump and tumble. Then silence. Silence that ate me up. Stephen came back in. His white face, shaking. I followed him and went to the head of the stairs.

Lord Robert lay at the bottom of them. His eyes glared at the ceiling, bulged. They were still and glazed. Around the head was a slowly widening pool of blood. The silence ate up all the air. The silence was absolute.