The Edge

Elizabeth was standing in the mirror. I could see her, she was real and solid not transparent like a ghost should be. I reached out and touched the mirror, she curiously watched my hand touch the glass then put her fingers forward into mine.

The touch was like a shard of ice but I could feel it! We both giggled nervously. I studied her a little more closely. She looked as she had when she was first married, all vivacity and delicate beauty. Not a line or a wrinkle on her smooth pale face. I could hardly understand why I was so calm. I was seeing a dead woman in the mirror and I was not screaming or crying. She apparently understood this.

“I have been here all the time but you were hardly alone. And when you were, I could never get you to see me. You were always so occupied. I waited and waited for you to come back but I cant seem to move from this room. I have tried, I can move from mirror to mirror or into the window glass. Anything reflective. Just nowhere else.” I tested this and walked to the dressing table. She was there! I looked back at the wardrobe, rushed over to it. She remained in the dressing table mirror. She told me to hurry and close the wardrobe, we must talk before the nurse came back. I did so and sat at the dresser.

“I know this is a shock. It was for me too. I never expected this. I thought so many things about what would happen to me but this was never one of them. Maybe only part of me is here. Who knows? But I am so glad you are here now. I have wanted and wanted to meet you.” The beautiful eyes were dazzling. They reminded me that mine were not. She shook her head when I mentioned this.

“You must not take any more of that medicine. It is poison. I know, I had to take it and I never was the same afterwards. Besides, you need your wits about you. You must be careful, you are in terrible danger!”

“From who?”

“Your husband! You have been moved up here, out of sight or sound of the rest of the house. He has a nurse to attend you. He is plotting something! You must tell me everything that has happened since you were last here. But soft! Someone is coming. I will go. I will come back when you are alone.” And with that the woman in the mirror vanished.

The door opened and Nurse Ruth came in, she was carrying a tray with a covered bowl of steaming broth, some bread and butter, a plate of fruit. After her came Dr Crowner. As Nurse set up the luncheon table in the window seat, the doctor helped me to that place and sat me down. He wanted to ask me some questions after I had eaten.

I ate for I was hungry. I could manage the broth and some of the fruit. Nurse Ruth ate the bread and butter. Once she was satisfied that I had eaten my fill, she removed the tray and said she would return once the doctor and I were finished.

He studied me for a while with his piercing eyes. His eyes were blue, clear and long lashed. His hair was fair and he wore it neatly. He was an attractive man, lean and tall. It was no wonder the women of the district admired him. His slight west country lilt still coloured his voice and it was a pleasant voice indeed, low and kind. He cleared his throat.

“The past few days must seem very strange to you. I realise that you must feel very cut off from the world. You must understand, my actions have been to keep you safe and that includes from yourself. I needed to stop you from harming yourself or your unborn child.”

“I understand Doctor. I thank you for it. I am sorry for being a burden but it is so hard;” my voice faltered and I felt my eyes fill up again; “It is so hard to bare the loss of my beloved mother and then my son. Oh my son, my son.” I would have wailed but he stopped me.

“This will not do at all. You must not give in to this grief. Going over this will not aid you and may indeed harm you. My purpose in today's talk to make you understand a little better.” His voice was kind but firm. His eyes were worried but resolute. He took my hand and pressed it.

“Lady Llewellyn, you are in a precarious position. You have just been made the major beneficiary of your mothers will. A fortune that is yours alone which cannot be touched by your husband or any other. You understandable grief after what has happened has made you behave in a manner more suited to one out of their mind. If you continue to allow yourself to behave thus, you risk being declared unfit and you may lose everything. What I did downstairs was assure all present that you are of sound mind, that I am satisfied with that. I have staked my reputation publicly on this. Do you understand so far?” I nodded and thanked him for his kindness. He accepted this but had more to say.

“What I wish is for you to sign a document today. I have kept Mr Greg here, he has it with him. In this document you state that should you be unable for any reason to control your own money or fortune then I myself, as your doctor, will be in charge of them. This idea was told me by the late Lady Rhiannon. She worried over you and that possibly something might occur so she asked Greg to draw up the document ready for you. Do you consent to this?” He was earnest and I nodded. The lawyer was admitted and I signed with Nurse Ruth as witness. The doctor seemed to relax at that. He stood to go.

“I will return tomorrow. In the meantime you must rest, your body is weak from the shock but I need you to think of your unborn baby. It is imperative that you take care of yourself for its sake.”

I asked him to wait one moment.

“The laudanum. I do not wish to take it any more. It makes me feel so unwell.”

The doctor looked thoughtful.

“I can understand that. And it could be harmful in your state of body. Very well, I shall make a deal with you. You must adhere to a form of behaviour that needs no drugging and I will not permit you to be drugged.” I accepted this and the doctor left, along with Mr Greg.

Alone with Nurse Ruth, I asked what was to happen now. Apparently the Everleigh's were to stay a week or so. Nurse Ruth would remain with me as long as the doctor asked her to. She had chosen a bedroom for herself, it was next to mine and would allow me to have some privacy but for her to be within call if she were needed. If I wished, she would leave me in peace to order my belongings as I wished them to be. For the moment I would be given peace and quiet. She had told my husband that I was asleep and was sure he would not venture to disturb me. Going out, she left me to the supposedly empty room.

I crossed to the dressing table and sat down. Within seconds Elizabeth was there, as real as before. She looked concerned.

“I told you there was danger. You mentioned your sister in law before, as a poisonous shrew. I would do one thing. Are your mother in laws apartments sealed? No? Then call your nurse and ask her to fetch that box of rings! Do it now, make haste and I will explain in a moment.” I called Nurse Ruth and asked her to fetch the box. She departed, clearly pleased that I was showing interest in something.

“Now I can tell you. Victoria may try to simply take what she wants. I was listening to what that doctor said. He seems a good man. He has helped you today and will again but he is right about your behaviour! I understand it, truly. I do. But you cannot let it be given out that you are mad. You will be trapped then. You are already inside the trap itself, do not let it close on you!” I felt the truth of what she said. Michael's behaviour, I hardly knew what he must think of me. It was frightening. Elizabeth saw my fear.

“Do not fret. You are not alone as I was. You have a good friend in the doctor and in your nurse. And now you have me too. I shall not leave you my sweet friend. You look puzzled, are you wondering if you are mad because you can see me? Do not wonder. I think I know the reason. When I was a girl I was told by my nanny that if a person was witness to three deaths in quick succession then they would become able to penetrate the veil between the living and the dead and be able to see more.”

I thought of the past weeks. So Lord Robert, Rhiannon and James. James. My misery pushed the lump back into my throat, the taste of iron in my mouth. Elizabeth saw my reaction.

“Do not despair. You could have done nothing to prevent what happened. You are a good mother. You love passionately. You had no fault in this. You behaved with the full grief of the situation and I am sorry for the loss you must bare. Put your faith in your new child. That one inside you is one who needs your strength and love now. Do nothing to jepodise them. I would not have you lose two children.” I met her eyes in the glass. All of a sudden, I heard the door. Nurse Ruth entered with the box of rings from Rhiannon's room. She placed it on the table in front of me and patted my shoulders. No, there had been no trouble finding it. No one had seen her. Too busy discussing things in the drawing room. She had heard that Mrs Everleigh saying that she should have got what I had been given but no one had said anything in answer. At all events, she had no way to claim it. Did I wish for anything else? Well then she would leave me.

Once alone again I opened the box and showed the contents to Elizabeth. She gasped over them, instantly asked me to pick up the sapphire ring, Rhiannon's favourite. I modelled it for her. She was envious.

“I never had such a ring. It is truly lovely. You must hide these however. Look, open the drawers in the table. The largest has a false bottom, I used to conceal things here. You can hide the box there. As I said, it is the best hiding place. Now, you should do as your nurse said and rest. You are weary from sorrow. Go and change into your night gown. You must be comfortable.”

I did change. I got into the freshly made bed. It was heavenly, soft and deep and smelling of fresh washed linen. Imagine my astonishment when I saw Elizabeth above the bed! The four poster bed had a large plated mirror over the headboard. She was laid on her side, her head pillowed on her hands, observing me as I lay below her. It was soothing. I lay in the comfortable bed, feeling myself relax a little. Even if I were mad, it felt good to have a friend, someone to relate my thoughts to. Elizabeth seemed to know that was in my head.

“Let me tell you a story. It is about me, my childhood. When I was a child I fell in love with the sea. I loved water, even in my bath! I wanted to swim like a little fish through every ocean. I loved the rise and fall of the waves, the beauty of it. The smell and the fresh air. I was brought up in Bristol and so I lived near the sea my whole life. My family owned a house in Cornwall, it had been a smugglers hideout once. There were caves below it and passages which led to the house. My father bricked these up however. My happiest days were spent in that house. I used to sit on the shore for hours watching the sea. One day I met one of the fisher men and he saw me watching the white foam on the tops of the waves. He told me that the Cornish folk call that foam white horses. They say that the sea is topped by horses who ride all over the world. In my dreams I saw those horses riding, proud and high on the waves, free from all restraint and able to see the entire world. Ever since then I always had a passionate wish. That when I died I could be cast into the sea. I wanted to be a white horse, to ride the world and gallop the waves. That is why I asked to be buried beside the sea at my house. The house which now belongs to you.”

Her voice was sweet and calming, I began to drift off, my mind full of the picture of the white horses at the crests of the waves. I was asleep within minutes. In my dream I saw my son again, this time happy and laughing. He sat between Elizabeth and I on a beach. I could feel the sun on my skin, the sand beneath me and smell the salt spray. It was beautiful.

I woke and it was Nurse Ruth who woke me. She was shutting the heavy drapes over the windows, night had drawn in. She bad me good evening. Was I feeling better? I found that I was. I felt well, I felt mostly there instead of not there, I felt within my body instead of apart from it as I had the past week.

Nurse had been asked by my husband if he might see me. She had promised to see if I were well enough first. Would I like to see him? She would remain in the room and would go to fetch my supper once we were done talking. I consented, I wanted to see Michael. A little rush of need ran through me, I wanted to see him, I wanted to hold him close and for us to grieve as a couple.

He came in, dressed for dinner. I had put a shawl over my nightgown and was seated in the window. He came to that place but would not sit beside me, even though I asked him to. He looked remote and cold. He came right to the point.

“Your behaviour over the past week has made me feel very differently towards you. You have shamed me with your actions. You shamed me today at the funeral. I want you to understand something. I feel that I have been more than generous in giving you second chances to be a good wife to me. You chose to look after others instead of me, you have behaved badly and now you have made it impossible for me to share a room with you for the foreseeable future. You left me on my own when I needed you the most.”

I broke in, passionately.

“I did not abandon you. I was destroyed by my grief for our son and for your mother. The two dearest people in the world and they are dead! I am sorry for causing you pain but I had no control over it. I promise...” But he interrupted me, raising a hand.

“I have decided that you shall stay up here since you so plainly cannot be trusted to behave like a decent woman. You will confine yourself up here. After your disgusting attack on my sister I have no wish to see you and she in company together again. You will be brought your meals up here. Anna shall wait on you, Nurse Ruth shall watch you. You will stay up here until you learn how to behave. Modestly, decently, properly. Until that time, I will not see you. You have brought shame on me and my family. You are not fit to be seen.” And so saying he walked out. Nurse Ruth shut the door behind him and came to me, asked me if I were aright. Did I want some water? I told her I was well. For the first time I knew my husband and I realised he was a weak man. He was allowing himself to be ruled by his vanity and by his sister. He was not a deserving man, not to me. Right then I realised that I did not, could not love him.

It did not feel quite as bad as I had thought. I think my tears were all for the dead, for Michael I had none. I think that some part of me had died when my son died and then another had died when Michael had them put my son into that dark dank house of rest.

I asked Nurse Ruth if she were married. She shook her head. No, she had never been married. She had been the eldest child in her family and had looked after her siblings since she was ten, taking on her mothers role. Her father had been injured in a factory accident and required nursing from that day, she had been the nurse since they could pay for no care. After he had died three years later she had left the nest to become a nurse. She had cared for plenty of people before she settled in Wales. She had known Dr Crowner through his training and he had asked her to come and live near him to be one of his practise nurses, to assist with births and occasions when a woman attendant was needed.

I asked if she had ever been in love. She laughed at that.

“Show me a woman,” she said “show me a human being on all of this earth that has not felt the sting of love for another. Oh yes, I have loved. Ay and well. My charges, my family. That is love too, thought not of the biblical sense. I have no need of a husband. I earn my living honestly, my money is my own. I can go where I please and do as I wish. My home is decorated how I wish it and I am content. It was never in me to marry. Too plain, that's what it is! And disinclined!” she laughed broadly at her joke.

She was not plain, as I thought it, she was simply not pretty. She had a oval face, light brown hair covered with her white cap. Her eyes were like the eyes of a cow, mild and brown and wide with thick lashes. Her nose was straight, her lips were the regular shape. She had an uprightness in her carriage, a straightness to her spine. Her waist simply filled out its place, she was of average hight. Nothing out of the ordinary. A neat, orderly, clean living woman.

I would have asked her more questions but she shushed me. I needed my rest, she said, I should sit quiet and read or suchlike for a while. She asked what I should like to do. When I asked if I could just sit she said no. That would only feed my grief, I needed to be active, to do things. I thought a moment and asked her to go down to the library. The others would be at dinner. If she could go and get the two books placed on the table by the window, those were mine and I would enjoy reading them. Once she was safely out of the room I went over to the dressing table and looked into the mirror.

Elizabeth was there, leaning thoughtfully on her hand and watching the room. The reflection of the room was behind her, she simply occupied a space in the mirror. She looked a little sad. When I asked her the reason she responded with a question. How did it feel to lose my husband's love? I told her my thoughts, I told her of how it had been recently.

“You must be alert then. Once a husband has turned from his wife, he will surely have some plan to be rid of her. Mine did. I was a good wife even though he was cold and unable to love anyone. One day I showed my passion and he cast me into the dreadful place. I doubt yours will try that yet. Oh do not be so surprised. Your grief striken behaviour, normal though it is to me, could be used against you. Mind you stay calm and quiet in front of others. There must be no excuse to throw you into a cell.”

I asked if she would tell me about her incarceration. She sighed and thought a moment then said yes. Tomorrow. There was too much to do today. Nurse returned with the books and Elizabeth vanished. I spent an hour reading then went to bed.

In the morning I awoke at ten. I had slept long and deeply. I ate what I was given then asked if I might be left alone to pray. I thought this a good ruse for getting myself free to hear Elizabeth. Once Nurse Ruth had left I sat down at the dressing table. She was there! The same as the day before.

Was I sure I wanted to hear this story? It was not an easy one to tell. When I insisted she sighed. All right. But I was not to call her Elizabeth any more. She was Bess. It had always been her pet name with her family and friends.

I settled myself to listen and hear the first part of Bess's story.