The Edge

Cool hands on my arm, supporting me. A cold cloth against my burning forehead. Water was raised to my lips and I drank, a flowing icy stream. It soothed my fevered sobs and eased the ache in my chest. I heard voices, low and murmuring. I tried to open my eyes but found them both stuck closed. I reached to my face and felt my hand caught by another, cool and smooth. I started to struggle and then a voice I knew well came to me through my fear.

“Rest, my lady. You are safe and in good hands. Your wounds have been dressed and you need not touch to know that the dressings cover your eyes. Rest, my lady, I am with you and no one will hurt you now.”

Nurse Ruth! Good Ruth Riley, beside my bed. I gripped her hand gratefully and sobbed again, this time with relief. I let the woman sooth me and put me back on my pillows. I felt her tuck the coverlet around me again. Her cool hands felt my forehead and then she gently sponged my brow again, easing the horrid fever which I felt gripping me. Gradually I slipped back down into sleep.

The house was empty, empty of furniture and empty of life. I went through every room, they were scorched and blackened. No one was there and no one answered my calls. I could open no windows or doors that were shut. I was alone in the vast empty hall. The silence was more terrifying than the noise of the flames had been. I began to shiver as it grew cold and dark outside and then I could find no candle. In the pitch black I could not find my way so I groped for the wall to help me. My fingers touched stone and moss and there was a sudden stench of decay and mould and damp. There was no air, it was dank and stifling. I was shivering and I desperately fumbled to find a light, a sign of where I was and then I knew.

I was in the tomb. My sons body and Rhiannon's and all the rest of the Llewellyn's lay dead around me. I was paralysed with fear and could no longer move. I had been buried alive with the dead. I was beginning to die when I suddenly caught sight of the merest spark. A tiny flare of silver in the emptiness of black and I moved towards it. I tried to catch it and it grew brighter and larger. When I reached it, I found it was over my little boy's coffin, glowing and shimmering like an angel fire in that dreadful place. I could catch it in my hands and let it warm me. As I took it, it became larger still and I found it growing limbs and a face and then my boy, my James was in my arms! Silver glowing and cool but there, laughing and smiling at me.

I held him close and kissed his cheeks. I felt a touch from behind me and then Bess was at my elbow, her smile like a diamond and her eyes like stars.

“My dearest friend. I thought I was dead. I thought I was buried alive!” I told her and she shook her head. Taking James from my arms, she smiled and softly the two of them faded into blackness. With them gone, my light was gone too and I tried to follow but the darkness was like loose drapery around me, it tripped me and I stumbled, I fell into echoing darkness......

Again I woke and again I felt my forehead touched. Now I was shivering, unable to feel the slightest warmth from the covers that lay about me, too tight and con-straining my legs. I heard the voices again and then they became separate and I discerned Nurse Ruth and my maid, Anna.

“Get some more hot bottles, girl. Fetch up some more covers too, the fever has broken. It is aright, my lady, lie still and I will take care of you.” I felt her competent hands remove the covers which felt damp, with sweat I realised. I was lifted from the bed and placed on a chair, near the hearth- I felt the heat from the fire.

My night gown was removed and I was sponged with warm water then dried and helped into a clean gown which smelt like soap and lavender. My bed had been remade and I was assisted to lie back on the soft pillows with fresh covers and a hot water bottle at my feet. The cold which had woken me was chased back and I sighed with relief. Without any sight I could only guess but I knew Anna and Nurse Ruth were in the room. I tried to ask and the answer came.

“Aye, my lady, that is right. Think you that you could take a little more sleep? It is only four in the morning.”

I was already slipping back into sleep and this time, there were no more dreams, just rest and a great span of emptiness which was somehow soothing. When I awoke next, I knew it was day. I could hear noises from the street outside, carts and footsteps. I tried to call out and at once I heard Nurse Ruth speak.

“Don’t you fret, my lady, all is well. It is ten in the morning now and a new day. Wait one moment and I shall lift you up on your pillows.” So saying, she helped me to rise and plump the pillows behind my back so that I was sat up. She offered me some milk with honey and some herbs in then touched my forehead. It was a little hot, she told me, but nothing to worry over. I had given them all a good scare but the fever had finally broken.

Finally? I asked her and was stunned by the answer I received. I had been ill for a full week!

“A fever, my lady, caused by your wounds, I suppose. It has broken at last though.” My hands next clutched at my belly, at the roundness there.

“Do not you fret, my lady, it is all well. The babe is quiet now but has been moving a goodly amount. All is well, I am sure. Lie still, I will fetch the doctor. He stepped out for a moment but I think I hear him come back in now.” And I heard her move, heard the noses of the chair against the floor, wooden boards, then her steps across and away. The quiet noises from outside and the noises of the house seemed like the sweetest melody after the silence that I had felt engulfing me for so long.

Now I heard two people come back in. A heavier tread announced that Daniel, Dr Crowner, was one of the two. I reached out a hand into the space that was towards the sounds and I felt cool strong fingers take mine. I heard his beloved voice.

“How do you feel? Not tired now? Good. Your fever has broken and the infection has been chased away. Let me change your dressings, I must inspect the wounds.” And I was lifted and supported by Nurse Ruth as Daniel unbound the wrappings about my face. The fresh air on my skin felt good but still the ache from my left side was terrible. Daniel's fingers touched the flesh gentle and prodded about my cheek and around my temple. I kept my eyes closed while he examined me.

“I think that the swelling from the lower area of the face has certainly gone down a little. As for the rest, time will tell. There is no sign of mortification around the area which is good. I think I shall only redress that part of the face, the skin needs air to breath and to heal.” So saying, I felt clean dressings be bound to the wounds which covered the left half of my face from temple to half way down my cheek. Once this was done I opened my eyes.

The light from the window was dazzling at first but after the motes in the sunshine stopped dancing in my eyes, I could see I was in a small, neat room. Plain white walls, a beamed ceiling and a little fireplace. A chest beyond the bed for clothes, a cross on the far wall and a neat little bed which I was laid in. Nurse Ruth was sat to my right in her usual garb, Daniel was on my left. He gestured to Nurse to take the bowl of dirty dressings and such downstairs and be rid of them. Could she also make up some broth and perhaps some bread also? Some light food to start with would be beneficial. Meanwhile he would have some talk with me.

Nurse Ruth gathered everything up and went out, we sat quiet until her footsteps had died away and then Daniel turned to me, took my hands in his and kissed them passionately.

“My dearest! I would kiss your face but it would only hurt you and you have endured enough pain! How glad I am that you are awake. It has been a long week full of difficulties and there were moments when I feared that you would not live to know them.” I asked him, more easily now that the dressings were off my lower face, where I was.

“You are in the priest's house. This is his spare bedroom, he himself sleeps across the hall and Nurse Riley has been staying here too. Anna as well. They have been taking it in turns to sit with you while the other sleeps upstairs.”

I asked how I had come to be here. Daniel pursed his lips but began to tell me. He first asked what I remembered. My recollections were confused but I did remember being on the drive of the house then seeing him arrive in his dog cart. He nodded.

“That was where I found you. I had seen Mrs Levin earlier in the day and she had given me your note. I went to consult with Father John before I came to the hall. I wish I had not waited. I was called away suddenly to see to the comfort of an elderly patient and when I arrived back I found one of the grooms from the hall on my doorstep. The man was earnestly worried. He was sent by the servants at the house who knew that some sort of grave altercation had occurred and that you were in dire need of a doctor but that the master wouldn’t allow one to be called. The man begged me to come to the hall myself and speak with Lord Llewellyn, so I drove us both up to the hall where we found you laid out on the drive way with a grievous injury to your face and in a fever. I got you back to the village and took you to Father John as the most proper place for you to stay was with the priest. He had this room prepared and word sent to Ruth Riley and Anna to come and attend you. Before they arrived I did what I could for your face and have only left to catch some sleep or see other patients.” I had begun to shake at the memory of that last walk down the drive of the house. Daniel wrapped a shawl about my shoulders and served me some mulled wine. As I drank he told me the rest of the story of what had happened that week.

“Even as I was dressing your wounds, there were men sent down from the hall asking after you. One was your brother in law,the other one of the house men. They knew you must have been taken to the priest, if you had been taken anywhere. Father John refused to let them see you or take you away and they rode away. Half an hour later, Lord Llewellyn came back with them himself and insisted on coming in, with the intention of taking you away. At this point, Nurse Ruth arrived and I was able to come down and speak on your behalf.

Father and I told him that you were terrible ill, that you had a fever and had needed surgery to repair some of the damage to your face. He was unmoved and it took all of Father John's weight in the town to stop him from forcing his way up to claim you. In the end we called for the village policeman and he has instructed that no one be allowed in to see you until you are fit enough. Since then your husband has remained up at the hall and no more attempts have been made to move you. Oh my love, my sweetheart, I am so glad to hear your voice!” And he pressed my fingers again and kissed them, each one in turn. I longed for him to hold me but he did not come close. I asked next after my injury’s. He looked at me with deep sorrow in every line of his face.

“There will be scarring across your cheek. You have lost your left eye. I did what I could but the wound was a deep one. I hear that Mrs Levin tried to do what she could as well but it needed a surgeon. How did it happen?” He explained that he had not heard the full tale as the groom from the hall had only known that there had been an accident and that no one had been allowed to see to me.

When I told him what had been done he became still as a statue. He kept hold of my hand but his fingers did not move. I tried to have him look at me but he would not. After a while he got up and told me he had to think a while. I heard him go downstairs and then the front door opened and closed. Nurse Ruth came in with some food for me but my stomach was twisting with worry. The good nurse was having none of it though and insisted on my drinking up all of the broth. I had gone a week without much to sustain me and she would not see me or the baby come to harm. I asked her where the doctor had gone and she shrugged.

Once I had finished the broth, I felt tired again, unaccountably. I lay back on the pillows and Nurse Ruth sat back on her chair and began to knit as she used to. The clicking of her needles and the soft noises of the flickering fire and the trundle of carts outside made me drowsy and I lapsed into sleep.

I awoke a few hours later, to see Anna had taken Ruth's place at my side. She helped me to sit up and brought me some sort of sweetened posset, thick and nourishing, tasting of brandy and vanilla and cream. She explained that I was yet too weak for solid food so the doctor had instructed her to make up different possets to strengthen me. I was to be allowed proper food in a day or so. I asked after Daniel and she said quietly that he was downstairs with Nurse and Father John and two men. I asked who the men were and she told me that one was a stranger but the other was the village policeman.

As if on cue there was a knock on the door. Nurse Ruth came in and stepped up to the bed.

“My lady, Dr Crowner has returned but is currently engaged in some business downstairs. He has brought Constable James as well as the local magistrate. I am afraid that they will need to speak with you as soon as you are strong enough. They would have asked to come up and see you now but I said I could not hear of it unless I first saw that you were willing and well enough for that.”

I thought a moment. I felt refreshed from my nap but my wounds ached terribly now that sleep was gone. Nurse gave me a dose of something then carefully undid my dressings and washed the swollen left side of my face. After cleaning it carefully with cool water she rubbed a salve over some of the areas which became cooler on the instant. Once this was done I felt a little better. I asked her what I would have to do. She explained that the men needed to see me and speak with me, in the presence of herself, the doctor and Father John, to hear about how I had come to be so injured. The purpose of this was to prevent my husband from taking me by force and to protect me from future violence. I needed to tell them what I could, as honestly as possible. I need not make a long tale out of it today but they needed to hear it from my lips and see me for themselves. Helping me to sit up and pumping the pillows against my back, she sent Anna out to ask the gentlemen to step into my room.

Father John came in first, straight to my side and gently placing his hand on my head to bless me. He did not wince at seeing my wounds and his eyes met mine as kindly as they ever had. Next to come in was the Constable, I had met him only twice before but he was known to be a genial and fair man, on good terms with most. He came in and looked me in the eye, but I saw that his face twitched as he saw my injury’s and his lips had compressed somewhat. The magistrate, who I knew better and who had often been to dinner at the Hall in former times, came in and openly started at the sight of me. He controlled himself with an effort but his eyes were deeply troubled and he was visibly upset by my appearance. I wondered, owlishly, just how bad the damage to my face was. I had not considered it until then, possibly because those around me had not mentioned any particulars and because I had more to worry over. Daniel came in last. His face was a stern and closed as it had been the last time I had seen him.

Grouped in a semi circle about my bed, the gentlemen assembled. As the most senior man in the room, the magistrate could have been expected to lead the talking but he seemed genuinely upset enough to warrant the Constable to speak first. The man licked his lips, produced a note pad and pencil and began.

“I apologise, Lady Llewellyn, for this intrusion but it is necessary to do this now rather than at a later date. Dr Crowner has brought this matter to the attention of myself and Magistrate Phillips, and so we have come to try and understand certain facts.” He licked his lips again and proceeded after looking towards Phillips who still looked overcome.

“Dr Crowner asserts that these injury’s to your face and the resulting illness that you have been suffering under were caused by your husband, Lord Llewellyn. That your husband intended to cause you harm and that he struck you in the face with...with a whip and that he then would not allow a medical person to be called to you. That you managed to escape the Hall with the aid of the house keeper and that he found you and brought you here, to be nursed under the protection of Father John. Is any of this true?” I nodded. Constable James nodded as well, wrote a little in his note book and looked towards Magistrate Phillips who stirred himself and did his best to smile kindly at me. It was clearly his turn to speak.

“My dear lady, I have known you some little time and I beg you to understand that we do not wish to tire you but in a matter this serious, it is important that we get some facts from yourself. I must ask first, what were the circumstances in which Lord Llewellyn and yourself came to disagreement?”

Nurse Ruth gave me a sip of water and I cleared my throat.

“We had been in disagreement for some time. There have been some troubles in the family, the deaths of the late Lord Richard, his wife and..and our son. We had not been...that is, we had been spending much of our time apart for some months.” Daniel broke in.

“As I think I informed you, gentlemen, Lady Llewellyn had been segregated from the rest of the house, was banished to the upper storey and was scarcely allowed out unless escorted by a most disreputable woman who was charged with guarding her.” Magistrate Phillips shot him a shocked glance but the constable seemed less surprised. The older man spoke.

“Is this the truth of it, my lady?” I nodded. He looked still more shocked and probed further.

“Is there anyone else, besides yourself and Dr Crowner, who can testify to this?” At this Nurse Ruth spoke.

“Beg your pardon, but I can. I was dismissed from nurse to this lady in favour of another woman who could not be honoured with that same title. Before then, her Ladyship was certainly kept apart from the rest of the house and was not allowed to come downstairs.” Daniel continued for her.

“The testimony of the servants at the Hall can also be counted on, I am sure. It was no secret in this parish that His Lordship and Lady Llewellyn had been estranged for a time and that she was being treated most cruelly.” At this the constable raised his head from his note pad, where he had been writing.

“At this point, it is best to stick to facts, Doctor. Without a lawyer present, it is best that facts be stuck to, especially when it involves a powerful and respected man such as his Lordship. However I can certainly say that I had heard that her Ladyship was being kept under lock and key, as you might say.” He looked towards Phillips again and the older man leaned forward.

“Lock and key? Do you mean to say that her Ladyship has been detained? I thought that it was merely to allow for her delicate health that she was kept to the house.”

I shook my head and the pain lanced up my cheek, making me gasp. Nurse Ruth put a hand on my shoulder and gave me another sip of wine. She looked meaningfully at Father John who turned to the rest and quietly said that I was becoming very tired and could this conversation please wait until I was more recovered? Perhaps in a day or two, I would be able to speak at length but just now I was too unwell for a long audience. Phillips nodded with relief and the Constable shut up his note book, gave me a little bow and said he would made a time to come and see me when I was feeling better. He went on to assure me that my peace would not be disturbed and that he had himself spoken with my husband and told him to keep away.

Phillips then kissed my hand, told me that he was grieved to see my suffering and that he would also return once I was better. He went away quickly with the policeman following. Father John stepped away from my bed to allow Daniel and Nurse Ruth to tend to me. My face hurt terribly, my baby was kicking my ribs and I suddenly felt a wave of nausea that threatened to choke me. Nurse Ruth instantly spotted this and told me that it was hunger. A good sign that I was returning to health. Father John undertook to go below and have food prepared for me while cooling lotions were used on my face. Daniel would have spoken to me about the meeting some more but Nurse Ruth told him sternly that I had been through quite enough that day. He should go attend to his other patients and leave her in charge of me.

Once he was gone, she called for Anna. Between the two of them they ran a bath of warm water and while I luxuriated in it, Anna stripped the bed and remade it fresh. Nurse Ruth helped me into new night clothes, then took charge of my dinner. I was given a large bowl of thick lamb stew, full of chunks of meat and vegetables. I had eaten so little for so long that the rush of starvation made me eat quickly and Ruth made me slow down by talking to me. I finished the entire bowl and wiped it clean with a slice of thick fresh bread. Mrs McKinley came in to remove my tray and she greeted me kindly and composedly. I praised her cooking and she smiled with pleasure and told me that I must do her justice by showing a good appetite for all she made. Once she was gone I felt well enough to want to sit up a while so Anna sat and talked with me while Nurse Ruth made up a posset on the fire, the same thick concoction she had given me before.

I asked what it was, she told me eggs, cream, honey, brandy, some herbs and spices. It was a warming drink, with many nutrients, commonly used in patients recovering from fever or wasting illnesses. She sternly saw every drop swallowed then commanded that I sleep again. I dosed off in the darkened room until late evening.

This time Anna was alone by the fire, carefully reading a romance periodical. She had some tea prepared for me and some fresh welsh cakes from Mrs McKinley. Without Nurse Ruth, who was asleep upstairs, Anna finally seemed to have courage to ask me what had happened. I told her some of it but not all. I still feared to think of the whole story. I noticed that Anna did not seem to like looking directly at me. Was I so hideous? I put the question and the girl went quiet. I asked again, trying to make light of what we both knew could not be made light of. Anna seemed to take her courage in both hands and give me her response.

“You don’t exactly look how you used to, my lady, not a bit. I was told I mustn’t let you see your reflection but I think it's right for you to know the truth.” And she got up and fetched a small hand mirror which lay on the dresser. Undoing the dressings, she gave it to me and I raised it to my face.

I had not been nearly prepared for the shock of what I saw. The entire left side of my face swollen and an angry red. The lower part was mostly alight, but the upper was destroyed. A scar ran from my temple across my eye which had been carefully sewn closed but I could see that there was just an empty socket behind that flap of skin. The red gash ran down to the middle of my cheek and stopped, it was quite straight apart from the crooked start and it made a trail over that part of my face. The stitches which held the wound closed made the damage look worse that it probably was, distorting the skin with black strokes and the entire left side of my face was raised and bloated. The right hand side looked as if it belonged to another person. In the glass, my remaining eye looked dull and lifeless, the tissue beneath was a black ring. In contrast to the violent left, the right was ghastly pale and pinched looking. My dark hair made the colour of my skin look more extreme. I stared at myself with horror.

Even once the swelling was gone, even when the stitches were removed I would still be scarred. My eye was utterly gone. I had never been beautiful but at least I had been whole. Now there was no hiding that my face was different. There would be no hiding from the shame that I had brought on myself.